Being Still

It was the spring of 2008 when my world was rocked by an unexpected announcement, turning life as I knew it upside down. For over twenty years, our family activities revolved around our home church. Those activities included many aspects of family life from music to youth events, retreats, Sunday school, volunteerism, and traveling for mission opportunities. Late in the summer of 1995, I’d begun working for the same church, always appreciating how our church took great care in relationship building. Having had the privilege to serve in several ministries including counseling, family, and community group formations over a span of eleven years, an opportunity arose late in 2006 to assist in rebuilding a ministry in need of a new vision. This new ministry would be led by the church’s youth pastor, a young but experienced Fuller Seminary graduate whose accomplishments proved his expertise in leading teams while making every day a great day to serve the Lord! Eager for a challenge, I jumped at the chance to work for this enthusiastic servant of God. With a fresh vision as our charge, the workload understandably increased and the demand for creative thinking took immediate precedent. On any given day, I could have taken on the Energizer Bunny and probably have made a nice pot of rabbit stew! Between 2006 and 2008, crazy, wild, and meaningful ministry flew by with every day bringing a fresh new vision, all the while serving in any way we could. Mission work, counseling, creating, feeding, helping, teaching, and preaching interlaced seamlessly with every day, bringing a newfound love for kingdom building. With the pace of the ministry never slowing, the announcement that turned my life inside out came so unexpectedly that I felt a wave of emotional turmoil almost from the minute the words were spoken. Our new ministry was going to lose its leader. This same vibrant, young, ordained minister announced that he’d accepted the role of senior pastor to a church in a small town in the heart of Wisconsin, and he would be moving almost immediately. Up to the moment the pastor revealed his news the evening had been filled with food, fun and family enjoying one another at our home. My husband and I looked forward to hosting our passionate youth ministry staff making sure to have plenty of burgers, guacamole and cold beverages on hand. I’d attempted a new slow cooker dessert that received thumbs up all around as our staff spooned mouthfuls right out of the cooker foregoing the formality of plates! After a few hours of fun the staff and their families said goodnight with the exception of our pastor who asked for a few minutes of my time before leaving for the evening. Expecting a new challenge I settled back into an old wicker chair on our front porch and prepared my heart and mind to receive whatever was about to be the next “big event”. His excitement was tangible as he revealed the news and plans to move to Wisconsin. I understood the impact of the move and all it meant to this young minister ordained by the Evangelical Presbyterian Church. I’d attended his as well as several other pastors from our church that received ordination. I’ve seen first hand the extraordinary effort and time these Godly servants pour into their calling. In many cases these chosen ministers fulfill God’s call as support staff in specific ministries however this vibrant young pastor had been chosen to lead a flock in the Badger State and he eagerly accepted the charge. His Youth and Family Pastor days were coming to a close and the wheels were already in motion. As I sat in the wicker chair on that old front porch the cool spring air chilled me to the bone. Though I knew enthusiasm and encouragement were the correct responses, I felt my heart sink as the news unfolded, and with that came unexpected sorrow. Ministry movement happens all of the time; however, losing this particular coworker and his family felt like I was losing a piece of my own life. Now a new chapter was coming into their life and the unknown into mine. After all I’d felt certain God laid out a plan that I was to follow. The opportunity arose, the change was swift and the new ministry grew rapidly. His style of leading encouraged each team member to excel and suddenly it was all coming to a halt. The future of the ministry was uncertain, and with that, the certainty of employment no longer existed. It was difficult to pinpoint the heart of my grieving as the changes occurring with my church life transpired after a series of several other significant life-changing events that I’m certain are not unique to this stage of life. These changes included our two children growing up, going to college, and later moving on to become independent adults, which left my husband and I to explore our own new roles as empty nesters. During this same time, our family witnessed the decline and demise of my mother after a long battle fighting lung and bone cancer. Nonetheless, the changes with our children were somewhat anticipated. Our kids are supposed to grow up and move on … “it’s God’s plan,” as a friend reminded me so many years ago. My mother’s death, however, was a long process. Cancer can be like that. When Mom finally went home to the Lord’s open arms we were thankful that the pain she suffered, only made tolerable by the loving care received by hospice angels, ended. Unlike the anticipated certainty of our family events, our pastor’s departure came without warning and made juggling all of the emotions already in play almost unbearable. Within two months of the announcement, the pastor and his family had moved to their new home and church. With the ministry in restructure mode, my career in jeopardy and the personal losses we’d suffered over those years, I began to sink into a pit of depression like I’d never experienced before. I felt as though there was nowhere to turn. Not to my family, friends, or coworkers.