WHY I DANCE For a life that started out so happy, I have hit up against some hard times. Some of those hard times have slammed me down so ruthlessly that they caused me to curl up in a ball and withdraw. How could I have allowed this sort of thing to happen to myself? For far too many times I have found myself living in the “Valley of the Shadow of Death.” Down on the “Valley” floor, it’s really a horrible place. There is no joy, no peace, no hope. This is a place of torment. I know. In my adult life, I have come here on a number of occasions. And once I find myself here; it is just so hard to find my way out. I have become too familiar with this place. The first time I came to the “Valley” I was 30. I ended up here because my mother died. She had been the one person I went to for everything. If I had a question, she had the answer. If I had a problem, she had the solution. If I needed forgiveness for something, I had done wrong, she never laid blame, she would just show me how to approach and handle the injured party. Whatever I needed; she was always there for me. She was my source. Losing her left me shattered and totally lost. Another time I was in the “Valley” because I had become very ill. I was so weak that I could not get from my front door to the end of my driveway without help. For almost three years I went from specialist to specialist trying to get a diagnosis. As for me, I just knew I was dying. But from what, I had no idea. On more than one occasion, the reason for my stay was financial. My husband did consulting work and sometimes the time between contracts would be much longer than anticipated, much, much longer. Regardless of the reasons, I was always in the “Valley” because of a failure of some sort. Sometimes the blame would rest squarely on my shoulders. Even so, there were other times that I would somehow get caught in the undertow from the crashing waves of someone else’s failure, and I would find myself, innocent of all mistakes or wrong doing, thrown to the middle of the “Valley” floor. A few years ago, I was working hard. I was trying to run my little business. I was not having great success. In fact, I was failing miserably. I did not know how much longer I could hold on. At home, we had not had an income in almost two years. I had no idea what was going to become of us. How could I continue? I knew things were bad, but then when the realization hit me. I was back in the “Valley.” My stomach sank… I have been a Christian since I was a small child. My early years were very happy. I had confidence in my relationship with Him. He was my Lord and Savior. I knew He loved me. Life was all very natural. But then, about the time puberty hit, the glitz of the “fallen world” caught my eye. I became the prodigal child. I wandered away from Him. I would go back occasionally to see Him. He remained my Savior. It was the part of the relationship where He was my Lord that suffered badly. It was pretty obvious I didn’t trust Him to guide my path. I wasn’t really sure He wanted the same things for me that I wanted. However, let me tell you, when your address is the “Valley of the Shadow of Death” you don’t have a lot of friends lining up to help you. So when I was in the “Valley” my relationship with Him, or I guess you could say my dependence on Him, would increase. (And I would wonder why He kept having me come back here?) During my stays in the “Valley,” when my situation would get desperate, I would hand Him a problem to solve, just one at a time. The thing that amazes me now is that He was forever faithful. He would supply what I asked for, but no more than what I asked for. And I hated to ask Him because I knew I didn’t deserve His help. I would lie around and cry and moan and groan, sometime for hours. Then help would show up from a completely unexpected place. Oh, the crying and moaning and groaning would be entirely sincere on my part, but I knew this wasn’t really how the relationship was supposed to work. Eventually, He would come to me and tell me that my time in the “Valley” was over. (Did I hear the words “for now”?) He would lead me out, and I would get to go back to live in the “fallen world” and think I was ‘happy.’ My relationship with Him would return to the back burner. But late last year, when I saw I was once again in the “Valley,” something in me broke. I thought I just could not do this again. I didn’t want to do this again. I looked at my options… there were none. I could try to quit, but that would not get me out of the “Valley.” I finally turned to Him and told Him I was trying to live my life right, but I was getting nowhere. What was I supposed to do? He replied, “Come to Me.” I did not understand. Wasn’t I standing there talking to Him? I was feeling a little like a deer caught in the headlights. I really did not know which way to turn. I needed direction. Finally, a friend brought me a devotional. (I will forever believe He sent her.) I thought, OK… devotionals were supposed to be good. Maybe it would help. I couldn’t see it hurting. So every morning, long before the sun would come up, I would read the devotional. After a few days, I started talking to Him about what I read. Before I knew what was going on I was spending time with Him every morning. (Today, I know how important this is, and I have become very dependent on having this time with Him.) One day I realized that although I was still in the “Valley” something very strange had happened to me. He had lifted me up off the “Valley” floor. Instead of being distraught with where I was, I was filled with the most incredible Peace and Joy over Who I was with. I finally told Him, I could see that He was much better with my life than I was, if it still interested Him, He could have it, not just little bits and pieces, but the whole thing. If He would lead, I would follow. If He could make life in the “Valley” joyful, I had no doubts about anything else. Now He has opened up to me a life that is more unbelievable than I thought possible. (Remember, I was the one who wasn’t sure He wanted the same thing for me that I wanted. Well, I was right. He wanted so much more.) I am finally OK with living in the “Valley.” I am not here alone. I am with Him. He brings me Peace, surrounds me with Love, fills me with Joy, and it all just makes me want to dance.