Journey to a God of Relationship

I grew up in a Christian home which was very strict and very rigid. Though I was raised with a tough rod I knew my parents loved me and they did the best they could with the knowledge they had. Both my parents came from different religious backgrounds ultimately my mother married into my father’s religion. I can’t speak for everyone who currently practices this religion it could be that my perspective is based on the way that I was raised or how I saw the religion play out in my own home. In my personal journey and from the perspective of a child and later a teen I felt that the religion was very dogmatic and legalistic, one that emphasized more rituals than relationship with God. This is where my story begins. A story full of sin, rebellion, anger, disobedience, complete distance from a God whom at that time in my life I believed simply sat in heaven waiting for me to sin again so he could judge me. I never knew that I could talk to God and he would really listen and I never knew what his sacrifice really meant on the cross. It was simply one more empty ritual that was celebrated during a holiday season in my very uneducated perspective.

I remember not being allowed to go to the movies because my father considered it to be the house of the devil. I could not wear any form of jewelry except for a watch because women should not adorn themselves with these items as to draw attention to themselves. From sunset on Friday to sunset on Saturday was the holy day in our home but the rest of the week was just like any other day. There were no family devotions, or daily prayer and worship. We gave God in one day the worship that today I know and understand should go to God every day. I simply did not understand. There were certain foods that were considered unclean and we weren’t allowed to eat. We were very isolated in this religion we only mingled with people that believed as we did and I often observed judgment of those that did not believe as we did. The emphasis on getting into heaven was more in the appearance of holiness than on Christ Jesus our savior and his sacrifice on the Cross to give each one of us a chance to be saved through him. I was very confused and honestly felt there was no hope for me there were just too many rituals to learn and follow. My parents were always visiting different church. My father sang for the Lord and was often invited to other churches to give concerts and My mom was a gifted drama director and we would also travel from church to church presenting plays. I attended private schools because my parents did not want me to be tainted by ideas that were different from what our religion taught. I was very sheltered and making lasting relationships in the church we called our church home was difficult because we were always traveling to different churches.

Most of my childhood and teen years I spent in a strange way looking out the window dreaming of the day when I could be an adult and would be able to experience the world. If only I knew a God of relationship at that time I wonder if my life would have been different. My parents worked very hard and provided a good childhood for me I never wanted or needed of anything physically but spiritually as a child I did as I had been taught by my religion. By age 13 I had started to question a lot of things and had begun to rebel against my parents. My parents were very rigid and strict in many ways. Their love for me I never questioned but there methods I wondered about. At 18 years of age I rebelled completely I had already stopped attending the church with my parents and wanted no part of it, I wanted the world and everything in it. I wanted out. I didn’t want any more religion and the concept of relationship with God was foreign to me. I had never seen a relationship with God modeled for me. I wanted out. I wanted to go the movies, have friends of my choosing, and wear jewelry. I didn’t want to have the appearance of holiness from sunset on Friday to sunset on Saturday. I wanted to eat what I wanted to eat and do what I wanted to do. My rebellion would have many, many consequences and as a result years of internal isolation, anger, lack of trust in people, low self-esteem, and depression.