Even So

PREFACE

Walking Through Fire

“I hate my life,” is something I often mumbled under my breath. I said this phrase more times throughout my life than I would care to admit. My life felt so hard, too hard. “Shouldn’t life be better than this?” It was a question I wrestled with daily. That question was almost my demise because I was never content with my circumstance; I wanted easier, I wanted better, which kept me unsatisfied and bitter.

As a little girl, I had no idea where life was going to take me, what I was going to do, or who I was going to become. I had witnessed many things during that time—I saw suffering, great sorrow, and loss. As I watched these things happen around me, as I grew and life started to get more difficult, questions about the nature of my own character entered my mind. I would ask myself, “How will I handle tragedy? What will I do if things do not get better, but get worse? Could I cope with unbelievable heartbreak? Am I strong enough to endure what life may throw my way?”

These questions were always looming in my mind. I often dismissed them, maybe out of innocence, maybe out of arrogance, but most likely because I was afraid of the answers. I could wonder all day long. I could imagine that when times got bad, I would be strong and brave. It wasn’t until I felt the kind of pain that crippled me from deep within my soul, until I cried tears of loss that never seemed to stop flowing, that I knew how I would deal with tragedy. I couldn’t know until I was in the midst of it. And as I stood surrounded in loss, I was disappointed because I was not as brave or as strong as I had hoped I would be.

It was easy to say I could conquer anything when I was on the outside looking in, but it was a different story when I was thrown into the center of a raging fire, a fire so strong it seemed to never stop burning, a fire that fed off everything around me, a fire that kept getting bigger until it swallowed me whole. But in the fire is where I realized that I was no better or stronger than anyone else.

It wasn’t until my family was facing the unthinkable that we discovered who we really were and what we were made of. It took being smacked in the face with life’s harsh winds to bring just enough tears to our eyes to cause us to see things differently. Once you are in the middle of hardship and your attitudes are put to the test, you will discover how very difficult and painful the trials of life can be.

I once watched a glassblower at work. The artist would make an incredible creation by rolling a metal rod through some molten glass and putting it into the hot fire. The raging fire melted the glass so it could be shaped. And at the end of the glassblower’s work, something beautiful emerged. As a family, we were thrown into the fire. It hurt more than words can say; but in the fire we were shaped, made stronger, and at the end, something strong and beautiful was created.

Over time, through many tough lessons, I have learned I cannot predict the future. All I can do is live one day at a time, pray I find strength when I need it, and let the pain I will face in this life shape me and make me new. It took some time, but I have finally realized I do not need to be strong every second of every day. I am not weak because I feel pain and endure struggle. We all struggle. We all need help. For so long, I was ashamed of my struggles and my pain. I felt judged by so many for years, so after a while, I learned to hide my pain and fear. I learned to lean only on myself and carry my burdens on my own. Acting this way went against who I was as a person. I was normally open and honest, but that proved to give me more hurt than I could bear. When I would move somewhere different, I wouldn’t tell anyone my past or what my family and I had been through, but living that way almost broke me. I needed to be set free, I needed to let go not just for me but for my children. So I started to write. I poured my soul out onto the paper. I broke outside of what was comfortable. I let what I was holding back come pouring out. And after years of writing, I decided to truly let go and no longer be ashamed of where I have been or who I used to be. In this book, I share it all. I hold nothing back. Nothing is really told in order. I group the positives together and the negatives together. But in reality, it was all intertwined. The good and the bad were woven together. I want to share my past and the story of my mother and her faith. I want to share the lessons I have learned and the ones my mother has taught me. I want to share all of my struggles and fears I have faced and continue to face in the hopes that it gives comfort, encouragement, and hope.