Red Rover, Red Rover

Josh accelerated heading toward her house. He stole a glance at her, wondering what she could be thinking. She had not been shocked to see him obviously.

As they approached her house, Julie looked ahead and saw Dave’s car in the driveway. Agitated, she urged Josh to pick up speed and drive on past. “Don’t stop! How would I explain you?” she asked, finally looking him in the face.

He saw fear in her eyes. “I don’t know. How do you explain me right now, to yourself?” He stepped on the accelerator. “Where do you want me to go?”

“Go on to the park out by the country club,” she answered, pointing to the main intersection in town. “Take a right at the stop light.”

When they had pulled into a space in the deserted parking lot, they simultaneously opened their doors and got out of the car. Never mind that the temperature was only forty degrees or so, they did not need to voice their mutual feeling that being in the car was too close for comfort.

The crispness of the air cleared Julie’s head. She took a deep breath and sat on a picnic table under the covered pavilion facing the small lake. There was a flock of winter geese waddling and squawking, and she focused on them as her heart thumped wildly – because Josh was near again.

Josh followed her to the table slowly, hesitant and anxious about the possibility of rejection. He took a seat on the opposite end of the table. “You weren’t surprised to see me,” he said, more of a statement than a question.

She glanced at him quickly and then back to the geese. “Your sister told me you were out. I figured you’d show up, but I don’t know why. I gave up the fantasy a long time ago. You are pretty arrogant to think we could even talk after our last meeting. What we had in common then isn’t an issue for me anymore.”

He looked at her in dismay; she had just referred to their children as an “issue” they’d once had in common. It was as if her conscience had been somehow removed from her body.

It was two and a half years ago when she went to see him on a family day at the prison. He had already served six months of his sentence for assault and battery of a police officer, and she had spent many nights surfing the net for friends of the male sort. She had known it was risky, but there was a method to her madness. She had met several jerks, but she was looking to mend her broken life with someone who would just “be there.” She had given Josh fifteen years, and not once had he really focused on her. His friends and his addictions were always the priority. But she knew herself well enough to realize she would not have the strength to break away without the involvement of another man.

She had made Josh spaghetti and garlic bread for family day, and he had been thrilled to see her. After the very short embrace and peck on the cheek allowed by the prison guards, they sat across the table from each other. His jaw dropped as she laid out her plan before him. She would be moving out of her parent’s house – just her; the kids would be staying. Layla and Lacey needed security, and they had it with Julie’s parents. Julie intended to go to the Division of Child Services and sign over custody to the state on Tuesday morning, and then she would go “find” herself. It was none of his business whether there was another man involved or not. She would file for divorce before his release from prison.

“I might go back to school, who knows,” she told him. “But I’m going to be Julie the woman – not the daughter, not the victim, not the mom.”

Josh could not believe his ears. He’d had no idea she was unhappy being a mother. He had known she wasn’t happy being his wife, but she was wonderfully patient when the girls were young. She did the school activities and cupcakes for class on birthdays, and the booth at the fall festivals. She planned the Halloween parties and went overboard on Christmas decorations and Santa stories and such. How did she not want to be a mom? He thought that was who she was. In retrospect, he figured his view of her must have been a big part of the problem.

Josh had gotten very loud and accusatory, calling her self-centered and immature.

She did not try to defend herself at all, and she was glad the room was full of prison guards watching their every move. The look she gave him had said it all: So what if that is what I am; you have been that way all these years. She got up and walked away, leaving him sitting with no power to stop her.

There had been no communication at all from her in the two years that followed. He had learned from his family that she had carried out her plan, and he had been amazed. Disappointed, but amazed. Now, here they sat together, watching the winter geese – geese that by nature chose lifetime mates. They seemed somehow smarter than people in this regard.

“Well, when we met that day,” Josh said, “I accused you of the very things I had done myself. I am sorry for that. I am even more sorry about who I was back then. I just knew you were a better human being than me. I’m sorry for my part in your burn out.”

Julie continued to watch the geese in silence.

“Is your new life all that you wanted it to be?” he asked, tactfully referring to her ‘freedom from responsibility,’ as it were.

It was some time before she answered, still not looking at him. “No, but I wasn’t looking for it to be anything. I just had to unload the burden I was carrying by myself. And I did accomplish that.”

“What about guilt, Julie? My guilt just about chokes me every day. What did you do with yours?”

“I don’t know if I have a reason to feel guilty. I did what I had to do, because it was best for everyone. If you do what’s best for everyone, it’s not self-centered is it?”

“I can’t agree that it was best for everyone. Not that I can judge, because I’ve never done the right thing; but we’re talking about Layla and Lacey. I think they needed you. I think they needed us.”

Julie would not look at him.

“Have you been keeping up with them?” Josh asked. “Do you know how they are?”

“I tried hard to get over those urges, because I was a terrible mother. They were safer with my mom and dad. They agree with me, especially after that weekend I lost control and left bruises on Layla. She and Shawna lied about being at a pot party. They said they were going to a basketball game. They were only twelve. I had no control over what Layla was getting into or over my angry reactions. I really could have hurt her badly. I realized it that night. I couldn’t handle the lies, deceit and crap that I had already had to put up with from you. Most of the time, I just ignored what the children were doing. When you weren’t around, I didn’t get out of bed for anything; the girls took care of themselves. You had been in and out of jail so much all those years, the only interaction they saw between us was your disrespect to me. So they did what their dad did, and I was nobody to them. I just had to get out of there. Just like you. So don’t judge me, Josh.”

Josh’s voice was thick with tears when he responded to her confession. “I can’t judge you, Julie. I learned some things in the clink. I just want to apologize for all that I put you through.”

Julie looked at him, hearing the truth in his voice. He looked back at her with puppy dog eyes. “Seriously, Julie. I can’t ever make it up to you or to our daughters, but I’m so very sorry.”

Julie looked back to the water as a tear escaped her eye, and she swatted at it. She felt as if the dam would break if she allowed any weakness. “Well, great. So you’re sorry, and that’s done. On with life, such that it is.” She got up from the picnic table and brushed her pants off. It was dusk now, and she still had to get home.