I Boldly Confess

For as the rain cometh down, and the snow from heaven, and returneth not thither, but watereth the earth, and maketh it bring forth and bud, that it may give seed to the sower, and bread to the eater: So shall my word be that goeth forth out of my mouth: it shall not return unto me void, but it shall accomplish that which I please, and it shall prosper in the thing whereto I sent it.  Isaiah 55:10, 11

Chapter 6 - A Time to Fall

We wonder and ask, “Why me?” Well, why not? The Word is written of God, and the Word of God is truth. If you sow corruption, you reap from it. And there is nothing that you can hide from God. There is nothing that you can cover up. We go through things in life to fight the good fight—to become pleasing in God’s sight. Jesus said from time to time, “As it’s what pleases the Father.”

Yes! We will be troubled from time to time, and some of us will have to fall. But this is how we build our relationship—our faith in God.  This is what brings us closer to Him. This is how we learn to lean and depend on Him solely and not on worldly things. He wants you to come— or come back—to Him. He will not condemn or forsake you. He will not cast you into the pits of fire. No! He will pick you up and turn you around, if that’s what you so diligently seek.

Once again, I lost my way along the wayside.  I let the world and all that’s not good take hold. I was troubled, confused, shamed, and left to find my way back. When I look back, falling was a blessing—a lesson or a teaching, if you will. I was saved. I grew spiritually and developed my own relationship with the Father and the Son.  I didn’t know that then. I had become worldly, and it was my time to fall.

We are troubled on every side, yet not distressed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; Persecuted, but not forsaken; cast down, but not destroyed (2 Corinthians 4:8-9).

Though I walk in the midst of trouble, thou wilt revive me: thou shall stretch forth thine hand against the wrath of mine enemies, and thy right hand shall save me (Psalm 138:7).

I had begun visiting the back steps more and more. What started out as infrequently smoking a little weed turned constant. I was not only visiting the steps, but also smoking before work and during lunch. It wasn’t that I was alone. There was a host of us who enjoyed the smoky substance. I had become so dependent on it that it did not affect my work. I continued to excel and prosper. I went to work every day without blemish.

But smoking wasn’t my only fault. No, I had slipped deeply back into sin. I had yet again been tempted to break one of the Ten Commandments and was later tempted to break another. I had slipped back into adultery, although I had promised God that I would repent. I had slipped back into fleshly desires— the forbidden passions of the world. I had joined those who delighted in casual seduction without remorse. I was still very prosperous and taking care of my home, and I didn’t think of the consequences. The little man on my left shoulder was having a season and loving every minute of it.

I’d find myself making less and less time for my family. Not only did I slip deeply back into the marijuana and adultery, but I also bought and sold—not sex, but marijuana. I was a low budget drug dealer, if you will, but I was not short on clients. Most members of the office at that time smoked a little grass, but we got the job done. And no one was ever without it, and I was never without money or unable to provide for home or my first home. No one ever went without.

However, with the newest creation came change with the Mrs. Someone had to be the responsible one. It surely wasn’t me. I found myself getting more and more out of control. I found myself becoming agitated at the least little thing. I found myself unable to control being married. I lied about my whereabouts. I was pulled deeper and deeper into adultery. I smoked more and more. I was losing control of work and home. I was falling deeper and deeper into that den of iniquity, backsliding into old ways that I ran from. I was becoming one of the world and not of God. Church had become a thing of the past.

How much more could my spouse take? How much more of my nonsense could she allow to fester in herself, our children, or our home? In spite of love—sometimes because of love—we make decisions. It wasn’t that we had never seen trying times together before; I had dated her off and on for years before she said yes. She had seen me through the first rough patch that I went through. She had seen all the good that I had done for those who followed me. She had seen the good and the bad. Her decision to separate from me was not an easy one, but the right one at that time for her and the children. However, her decision wasn’t right for me.

After we separated, I found myself partying more and more at home with those who I thought were my friends. Even though I was still prospering in my job, I was becoming less and less attentive. I was always on edge, not knowing what I wanted to do next. I was becoming sickened by everything and everyone around me. I could see myself falling in slow motion, and I did not know what to grab on to so as not to hit the bottom. The bottom would come.

Then my spouse and I would find ourselves back together yet again, because I couldn’t be away from my bundles of joy. We tolerated each other for a short season, because I was not completely healed of the world. We had good times. I traveled frequently with work, and so did she. For me, traveling was a distraction that kept me from the worldly things on the home front, but not always. Sin has a way of finding or following you. Sin has a way of haunting when all you really want deep down inside is for it to go away.

Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour (1 Peter 5:8).

For though we walk in the flesh, we do not war after the flesh: For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but mighty through God to the pulling down of strong holds; Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalted itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ (2 Corinthians 10:3-5).

Even though we do not want struggles, trials, and tribulations, it still finds us when we are not fully charged up with the Word of God. Our adversary, the Devil, knows and preys on this.  He uses those who are in the world to pull you deeper and deeper into the snare. I went deeper. Hey, let me introduce you to my friend, cocaine.