Along the Road

Looking around the seminary classroom, Paul noticed that everyone else was slowly moving to various spots throughout the room. As they shifted their chairs the teacher again offered his instruction. “Spend the next few moments in silent meditation, seeking the answer to the questions before us. We can ask God to forgive us, ask our neighbor to do the same, forgive the one who has wronged us, and even learn to forgive ourselves for our failures. But what is still missing?”

Even with a fresh recollection of the moment in time when he came to really appreciate what Christ did for him on the Cross, Paul struggled to see any other avenue of forgiveness. Rising from his seat, he slowly wound his way around the disarray of chairs in the room and silently slipped out the door into the hallway. The old structure enveloped Paul like a great stone giant, the well-worn terrazzo floors presenting a stark pathway before him. He began to shuffle toward the end of the hall, all the while mulling over this question that seemed to be without answer. Paul’s gait quickened slightly as he rounded the corner, only to discover another stretch of endless corridor beckoning him to follow. The locked doorways of numerous old classrooms added to the sense of entrapment that was beginning to overcome him, while the discolored paint and darkly stained oak trim seemed to be whispering words of despair. As Paul gripped a dusty handrail and began descending the stairwell he had encountered, he began to feel as if he was not alone on this journey through the ancient building. Glancing over his shoulder he didn’t see anyone, but the sense of being followed was very real.

Paul ducked through the first opening he encountered at the bottom of the stairs, only to find yet another hallway stretching into darkness. Faint light filtered into the surroundings through the windows that adorned the top of each doorway. The dust that covered the floor caused Paul’s feet to create a scratching noise as he rapidly shuffled into the unknown… or was it the sound of breathing? Increasingly he felt as if he were being stalked by an adversary who was awaiting just the right moment to spring an attack. The knot in Paul’s chest once again swelled, raising his blood pressure and making it difficult to breath. Certain now that he was being pursued, he broke into a trot, glancing over his shoulder frequently in an attempt to identify his would be attacker. The ground he had just covered stood silent and empty. As Paul continued his retreat the pain he was experiencing increased dramatically, reminding him of those awful moments in a Cocoa Beach motel. Nausea once again overcame him and he stopped, only for a moment, to wretch from the bile that had worked its way up to his throat.

Paul suddenly noticed a solitary doorway that had no lock on it. Pushing his way past an unseen sentinel, he rushed into the room and franticly looked for something with which to block the door. Paul’s eyes surveyed the area but all he saw were the cold marble dividers that once provided privacy to the students who used this restroom. The windows over the stalls were greasy and yellow, all but obscuring the sunlight, and freedom, that existed only a few feet away. As he had once done in his Florida hotel room, Paul fell to his knees and began groaning. “Who are you?” he demanded! “What do you want with me? I can’t stand this any longer! Show yourself so I can defend myself!”

The stillness of the large room was only disturbed by Paul’s sobs and groans. Kneeling on the cold hard floor, he began to once again rock back and forth, now nearly whispering in submission, “Please! Who are you? What do you want of me?”

“Paul!” The Voice was not audible but present none the less! “Paul, why do you not know me?” Paul once again heaved from his emotions which had now reached the boiling point within him. “Who are you? How can I know you unless I see you?”

“You know who I am, yet you don’t know me! I am the One you claim to follow but have yet to really embrace!” All that Paul could do was squeak out a response, “Jesus?”

“That’s the name which most people address me by today, although a great many individuals throughout history were also known by that name. It is most appropriate that I should have a name that was common amongst men because I, Myself, desire to be the common thread between them all!”

Paul felt consciousness quickly leaving him. He began to tremble uncontrollably and, without thought, he crouched so low that his chin touched the cold, dusty floor. The agony of the silence was again interrupted by the Voice. “Paul, you profess to follow me, but you only have a flawed intellectual understanding of Who I am. You tell other people about My Love but you fail to fully step into It yourself. You have asked for My forgiveness many times, and claim to have forgiven others for what you believe they have wrongfully done to you, but you still lack one of the most important aspects of reconciliation!”

“But Lord,” Paul croaked, “I have done all that I know how to do to live in a condition of forgiveness! As much as I am able to, I have forgiven and sought to be forgiven, by You and others. I know my attempts are flawed and inadequate but what more could I possibly do?”

“There is yet one thing you must do, Paul!

The question, which had motivated him to escape on this journey into the dark recesses of the old stone building, once again was before Paul. What more could possibly be required of anyone seeking to truly reconcile with another? Maybe restitution for loss, but that wasn’t always possible or even appropriate. Was it a public confession? He had always been told that the apology need not go beyond the circle of the offense, but, as he had seen in his Florida vision, the impact of anyone’s sin goes far beyond the immediate victims. His mind so muddled with thoughts and his body aching from what he was experiencing at this moment, all Paul could do was moan, “I really, really don’t know what it is that you still require of me Lord”.

Softly, slowly, but with great authority, came the answer. “You must forgive ME!”