Justin's Jesus

That Dreadful Day One night Justin had wakened at 2:00AM. He had been sleeping through the night, so this was a little out of the ordinary. I picked him up and he sleepily opened his eyes, looked at me, snuggled into my chest, and fell back asleep. Justin had the softest baby hair and I just loved to run my face across it as I cradled him in my arms. I told him that night, “Baby, I could just snuggle you forever! I never want to let you go”. I contemplated letting Justin sleep with me and my husband, but knowing the risks we decided we better not, and that if we did none of us would get any sleep. Ryan took Justin upstairs and laid him in his crib. By this time Justin knew how to roll over and was loud enough that we were able to hear him when he cried. When Ryan had come to bed he told me that Riley was sleeping in Jacob’s bed. Jacob’s bed is in the same room as Justin’s crib. Riley does NOT sleep in Jacob’s bed except for when we have company that needs to use his bed and threw a fit every time that we made him. Earlier that night I had tucked Riley and Jacob into Riley’s bed. We said our prayers, read a few stories, and sang a couple songs “Jesus Loves Me”, was one of those songs. When I went downstairs they were still both in Riley’s bed. It seemed really weird to me that Riley would get up and go sleep in Jacob’s bed, but pushed it out of my mind and went to bed anyway. Sometime really early in the morning Jacob came down and climbed into bed with us. It had been awhile since he had last done this so I rolled over to let him sleep in our bed. We both dozed off and on for the rest of the morning. Ryan’s alarm clock didn’t go off that morning so when he woke up and realized that he had over slept he jumped up and frantically got ready for work. Jacob and Riley, (who was now on the couch) both got up around this time also and had asked for some cereal. With Ryan in such a hurry I got the boys’ breakfast and went up to check on Justin, who seemed to be sleeping awfully late. Usually Ryan would check on Justin as soon as he got up, again because I was always scared that I would get up there to find something wrong with him and I wouldn’t be able to handle that, once again letting fear control my actions. That morning my worst nightmare and biggest fear came true. I walked over to Justin’s crib, and it looked like there was just a blanket laying there. I felt for him, pulled the blanket off and found my baby with his eyes closed, and he was not breathing. Ryan had given me a kiss goodbye as I was walking up to check on Justin and I started hysterically screaming his name. As I ran down the stairs I willed Justin to wake up, to start breathing, and in the back of my mind I remember hoping to God that Ryan hadn’t left yet. Ryan met me at the bottom of the stairs in a panic at the sounds of my screaming. In a breathless, hysterical, fit I handed Justin, warm and limp to Ryan screaming that he wasn’t breathing and that our baby was dead. I kept screaming over and over that, “I knew we shouldn’t have put him to bed last night!” Ryan took Justin, said we need to do CPR and laid Justin on the table. The older boys came in, surprisingly calm and Riley asked, “What’s wrong with Justin Mommy?” Trying to catch my breath while still hysterical I told him the first thing that came to my mind, “I think Justin has gone to heaven to be with Jesus, baby.” “I want to go too mommy.” was his reply. “No, Riley we can’t do that right now.”