God was in my Hair. In 2009, I experienced a situation in my marriage that would’ve shaken a lot of women from their foundation and struck them to the very core of their souls. But, because God was in my hair, he prepared and fortified me from the outside, in. He prepped me for the mess (I couldn’t think of any other word to describe it) I would endure. For the purposes of THIS book, I have chosen not to go into details about the mess in my marriage: the infidelity, hurt, pain I caused, pain others’ caused, and the abandonment from my spouse. There were so many different elements that it would literally take another book to share all the details (which I’m sure I will decide to do soon). However, I don’t think you really even need the details to understand what I’m saying. We all have our own “story” with all the gory, intimate details that would be a blockbuster hit for directors like Tyler Perry, complete with the “crying and praying and singing all at the same time” scene.
Now, you might be thinking, what in the world is she talking about? God was in her hair? Lord, have mercy, she’s lost it. And, before I made this journey, I’d probably agree with you. But, since I stepped into this new realm of understanding about how who I am directly relates to how I deal with situations in my life, it’s not strange to me that he took something so seemingly meaningless as hair, and created a platform to save my life.
The basic message is that I was prepared for this storm (and the ones that will follow) because I was obedient to what God was trying to do in ME through my hair journey/spiritual transformation. During the process, I stepped back, for the first time in my life, to think clearly and look at the situation from my heart and make the best decision for me. I will remind you that I’d already come to the realization that I was not with the right man for me, and that I desired change. So, MY decision was to divorce. Uh oh! I think I just lost a few of you. I think I just lost you because I just heard you say, “No, no, no. She’s professing to be a Christian, but she got a divorce.” And my response to you is, “Yes, and unapologetically.” At that time in my life, there were so many confusing messages being given to me. Christian leaders were telling me that I needed to stay and work things out and that my marriage would be an example to many. Others were saying, well Jesus gave permission to divorce in cases of infidelity. However, all I knew is that I wanted out. That’s as honest as I can be. And, if he were to admit it, he wanted out, too. So, just so you won’t put the book down and stop reading, let me pause here and say that as a believer of Christ, I do not advocate for divorce. And, in no way am I saying that God told me to leave my husband. I am definitely aware of the spiritual, emotional and financial consequences of ending a marriage. And in marriages where there is love, companionship, mutual understanding, a true spiritual connection and resilience, I would advocate for a couple to seek professional help and try to work things out. Ultimately, the heartache and pain caused isn’t worth it, if both people want the marriage.
But, in my case, I wanted to be FREE from a marriage that was turning me into a person that no one recognized; not even my family. I didn’t want to be free to be wild and have random sexual affairs with different men; that is what many would call “LOOSE,” not free. But, I realized that I couldn’t live the balanced life that I was designed to live and be with him, too. I couldn’t dream big and set goals for myself. I would’ve had to accept a life prescribed for me by my husband, our church leaders, his family, etc., and that I really wouldn’t live in total spiritual, emotional and mental freedom. My family and friends all told me later that they didn’t ever know me, as that married person. They never saw me as that person. They knew that I wasn’t truly being myself and they were worried that I’d lost myself in the marriage. They were partly right.
As I look back on that time in my life, I realize that I didn’t LOSE myself; I made the choice to hide my true self out of fear and complacency. I didn’t want my husband to continue to tell me how much I needed to be different or not do this and not do that. So, I became who he wanted me to be. I wore my hair straight, no make-up, went to work every day, came home, sat around and watched television, went to bible study on Wednesdays, and church on Sundays and spent time with his family. Occasionally, there was a short vacation to the beach. But other than that every day, every week, every month, and every year was the same. I fell into the “comfort zone” of marriage and developed a façade to make sure that people thought I was happy. But, deep within myself I was very uncomfortable, very unhappy and in bondage. The real me was hidden deep inside and wanted to be free to live, laugh, cry, make mistakes, spend time with friends, travel and see other places, try new foods, meet new people, develop new friendships and soar!
My divorce was more about setting my spirit free and going back to who God created me to be and less about leaving a horrible man. To this day, there are positives that came from my marriage and being with my ex-husband. We were both young and made many mistakes, but I know that because of my marriage, I am a much stronger, mature woman and I now have an idea of what my ideal marriage looks like and the type of man I NEED in my life.