Good Grief!
How To Create an Oasis When Life is a Desert
by
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My life is a barrel of grapes, my soul the grape seeds.
I feel the pounding and crushing blows against my skin.
My flesh is broken, exposing the delicate fruit within.
I am under intense pressure.
I look around.
My life appears to be destroyed.
I am left to sit and ferment.
I stink and feel useless.
My broken skin barely hangs on.
Juice accumulates at the bottom of the barrel.
Time passes.
I feel alone, exposed, and broken.
Has the wine maker forgotten?
Is he there? Does he care?
I am about to drown when I see his face.
It is kind and compassionate, loving.
I feel hope.
Is he coming to rescue me? Will he stop my pain?
He walks to the barrel holding each piece of my broken life.
He gently extracts some of the juice. His touch is gentle.
The movement creates a restless desire for freedom; escape.
He softly tells me to trust him.
He is not finished with me yet.
He will continue to care for me.
But, it is not time.
I don’t understand my purpose.
Why won’t he tell me?
I can’t comprehend this grief.
Will I ever understand?
I often hear his voice.
It is calm and quiet.
I breathe in deep.
I know he is there.
He draws near and gently extracts more juice.
I feel his presence.
He makes me feel safe,
Filling me with a peace only he could provide.
It is time.
In excitement, I await my freedom.
I just know he will put the pieces of my life back together.
He will fix my brokenness.
He will make everything okay.
But, instead I am poured out into a cylinder,
Exposed and vulnerable!
I don’t understand.
I thought my pain was about to end.
Have I not given him everything I can? He wants more?
I see a large press coming toward me.
I close my eyes and scream.
The pressure is intense, the weight unbearable.
Every piece of my life has been squeezed out.
Just when I feel my soul is about to be crushed, the weight is lifted.
He has controlled the pressure.
All that remains is my skin and my soul.
I don’t understand.
I look at the winemaker and see his smile.
I feel frustrated.
There is nothing left of me.
I am simply a shell and a soul.
The winemaker lifts me up and shows me what only he can see.
Each area of my life has been poured into barrels, too many to count.
Each one engraved with my name.
In large letters, I notice each barrel has the same inscription: Relationships
Under the boldness of this word, are smaller letters.
The five closest to me read:
Cancer
Marriage
Child-loss
Family
Failed Adoption
I am stunned.
Amazed.
Humbled.
For the first time, I realize my life is not about me.
My purpose is not for me.
I was created for him:
The wine maker.
His desire is to make me pure.
Not a single drop wasted.
To be used as he desires, as he sees fit.
My life crushed.
Every part of me meant to bring him glory.
My soul unharmed. Protected.
His love is clear.
My purpose understood.
By the time I was thirty-two years old, I had already encountered more tragedy than most people experience in a lifetime. I’ve had to fight for my life; suffering through radiation treatments and nearly dying from chemotherapy to beat cancer three times. I’ve been tormented with life and death decisions, as I struggled over whether or not to intervene on behalf of my tiny 15-ounce baby girl born at 22.5 weeks gestation. And after falling in love, I handed a child I believed in my soul was meant to be my son, back to his birth-mom when she decided to revoke his adoption plan.
Over the last seven years, I have spent countless hours in both physical and online support groups, wondering if anyone else feels the same way I do. I was shocked to learn that I was not alone. The reality is that the worst pain in life does not always come from illness, child-loss, death, or even the grief itself. Many times, the greatest obstacles to overcome through difficult times are the unintended hurt caused by painful words spoken, and inactions by those who care for us.
From my personal experiences, I’ve compiled this resource guide filled with examples of the great support my husband and I received during our darkest moments, and the harmful words that stunted our recovery. My hope is that if you have experienced a similar tragedy, you will find comfort in our experiences. And, if you know someone who has experienced a similar tragedy, may these examples give you the wisdom to speak encouraging, and positive words, and ideas of how to provide tangible support in times of great difficulties.
“Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.”
—Proverbs 16:24
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About the Book
By the time author Erica McNeal was thirty-two years old, she was already a three-time cancer survivor, and had experienced the loss of five children, two of which she held in her arms. Those close to her were not sure of how to console her, and some well-intended comments only served to hurt Erica and her family in their healing process.
For example, imagine being diagnosed with a rare form of cancer, at twenty-two years old, and having your best friend tell you that she wished she had cancer too, so that people would like her. Or imagine being pressured to hold a friend’s baby—a child that was born the same day you buried your daughter, in order to “prove your love” for the couple.
These statements represent only a fraction, and not even the worst, of the painful words spoken to her family while they struggled through cancer treatments and grieved the loss of their children.
Good Grief! is a book filled with tangible solutions for determining what to say, what not to say, and what to do, in order to love others well, through difficult times!
About the Author
ERICA MCNEAL is a military wife and stay-at-home mom, with fifteen years of experience in Youth, Marriage and Women’s ministries. A graduate of Hope International University, Erica received her B.A. in Church Ministry.
Erica’s undertaking is to challenge the Christian line that states God will not give us more than we can handle, because she believes that God will allow us to be stretched beyond our human capabilities, in order to show us our need for Him, to deepen our faith and to show us that His strength is limitless!