I Did It for Love

`One of my greatest struggles in life was to come to terms with who I was an individual. I placed a high, unrealistic demand on myself and when I failed to live up to the unrealistic expectations, I resorted to men to provide a clearer meaning to my life. A life which included walking completely outside of God’s will. Jail has taught me so much; it was during my restricted freedom, I was made free. I was free to decide what I really wanted to do with my life. I was tired of living unhappy and desperately wanted a way out. I was tired of using sex as an indicator to measure my worth as a woman. I was almost ready to give up the notion that I needed to be with a man in order to feel good about myself. I was living my life to please others and not myself, afraid of what my friends would think about me being single. For years, I dated men that I did not have much feelings for, I suffered a lot hoping to one day find someone to fill the empty void that I felt deep down on the inside. I wanted love; I was willing to risk everything for someone to love me. The truth is, I always equated sex with love. As time grows by, I developed a feeling of worthlessness and was plaque with the disease of loneliness. I became so destructive to myself and others that is why I believe without the shadow of a doubt that my Heavenly Father used the harsh reality of confinement to try and get me on track. Looking back, I don't regret being incarcerated. It was during those shattered moments of my life, I decided to seek God's face. I spent a great deal of time reading the Bible and going to Sunday school. I wanted so much to embrace change, but it was hard. Growing up, I was labeled as the bad kid, the one whose mother was an alcoholic. I was embarrassed of where I lived, the broken old wooden house with no electricity and inside toilet. All 9 of us scrambled together like yard fowls. Deep down inside I knew there must be a better life, I wanted Jesus, I wanted to learn about him but I had no clue how to begin. The religion I was exposed to was contrary to the true religion of God based on the Bible. I did not know about the Holy Spirit, I knew Jesus died on the cross, but I thought He died for a group of people and I was convinced that I was not one of them. My mom used to wear an eye necklass around her neck for protection. She said it was supposed to protect her from evil. I was a kid, I did not know any better. In my little mind, I knew that something was wrong. She used to go on mourning ground for days. Whenever I would ask her about it really meant, she said that it was her way of finding out things about the future. In my little mind, mom was a hero. She would predict things that would happen just as she predicted. She said she was born with a gift, to discern things. I am so happy that God delivered me from such darkness. The Holy Spirit took my hands and led me to the truth. My mom was hindering the call of God upon her life by seeking answers about her situation from evil sources. I am so happy that He sent His son Jesus Christ to die on the cross so I can be free. I had no sense of direction growing up; I did basically what I wanted to do and lived my life the way I saw fit. I desperately wanted someone to love me. Someone to hug or tell me how beautiful I was, my mom never kissed or showed any affection towards me. Sitting in jail opened my eyes to a lot of things. I had the time to reflect, I had to make a decision. I felt like someone was guiding me to make a right choice. It felt like someone was trying to tell me “Hermie there must be a better life, there is hope for you, and you don’t have to live with such guilt and pain. It was a part of my mind that was assuring me that things can get better. The cells were very tiny. I spent most of my days sleeping and looking through the iron bars imagining my escape. One day after my evaluation, I was told that I had to be on psychotic medications. I remember standing in line for my pills and actually hearing voices that were not there. My panic attacks increased and after much needed advice from my jail friends. I bravely told the doctor, I wanted to discontinue my medications.