Flourishing In The Ministry

Challenge # 8 Dealing with Criticism A lot of us receive sermon illustrations and stories via email every day. Some I save, and others I delete. Here’s a favorite: Mildred, the church gossip and self-appointed arbiter of the church's morals kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members were unappreciative of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence. She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his pickup truck parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She commented to George and others that everyone who had seen it there would surely know what he was doing!! George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny, he said nothing. Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house ... and left it there... ALL NIGHT LONG!!! I like that story because George obtained a measure of justice. He was able to give an effective response to criticism, and he did it without saying a word. I wish that all of us could silence our critics that easily. But we can’t. I looked up the word criticism in word search and the first synonyms listed were censure, disapproval, disparagement, condemnation, and denigration. The word criticism sounds kind of harmless compared to the sound of several of those synonyms. But make no mistake about it, criticism can be a dangerous weapon. Paul wrote in Ephes. 6:16 “In every battle you will need faith as your shield to stop the fiery arrows aimed at you by Satan.” Some of the criticism we receive is just that, a fiery dart aimed to destroy us. Criticism is tough to take, particularly when you are just starting out in ministry. Our reactions to criticism vary from mild to severe. When the criticizer has little respect among others, it is easy to discount his or her criticism, and our response is fairly mild. But when the person who criticizes us is well-respected our response can be severe. Criticism is often a visceral issue—when we are criticized we get tense, our stomach tightens, and often it’s difficult to respond to the criticizer rationally. We all know that we should listen to the criticism and, if justified, change our behavior. As someone said, criticism should make us better, not bitter. We know that. But I realize that no matter how many sound principles I give for dealing with criticism, once you actually face your first major dose of criticism in the ministry, it’s still difficult to take. I hope this chapter helps you sort through the criticism you receive in ministry. Emotionally Closing Up Due to Criticism Ministers often counsel people who are in tough situations. For example, when I was in my early twenties I ministered to young people in my youth group who were dealing with suicidal thoughts and family breakups. I found that when I would counsel them with gentleness and compassion they were generally responsive to my words. To effectively counsel and comfort people in crisis we must communicate a certain amount of gentleness and compassion. But one temptation we face when we are criticized, particularly it if is long-term criticism, is to emotionally close ourselves off to others. In response to criticism we can become so hardened that we find it difficult to demonstrate the compassion of Christ toward others. The solution is to somehow be tough and tender, to toughen up but not close up. We will be criticized, so we must have a tough hide. But we must not lose a tender heart. By toughening up, I mean that we must not let criticism overcome us. We cannot let it cause us to quit. We cannot let it get into our heart so that we become bitter. We must guard against allowing the criticism to take root and then developing an attitude toward others that is not constructive. But by toughening up, I do not mean that we become stoic, or that we put on a hard exterior, or that we lose the compassion of Christ. You have probably met people who’ve faced tough circumstances and have become hard and cold. In contrast, others have experienced circumstances just as difficult but continue to have warm and compassionate hearts. We can’t control what happens to us but how we respond to our circumstances is up to us. How do we toughen up without closing up? Several years ago I interviewed a number of ministers, asking that specific question (I referred to this in an earlier chapter, too). I was intrigued by their answers. Every minister I interviewed acknowledged the need to be tough without closing up but nobody could provide a step-by-step answer to that question as they often did in response to other questions I posed. The best solution that the ministers gave was to simply “stay close to Jesus.” Staying close to Jesus had everything to do with cultivating one’s relationship to Christ through the spiritual disciplines, primarily through prayer and times of reflection on the Word of God. As I thought about their responses I realized that they were correct. The way to be both tough and tender is not to follow a five-point, step-by-step set of instructions. The best way is to build a close relationship with Jesus! That answer fits our life-situations. The Christ-follower walk has at its foundation a personal relationship with Christ, the idea that He is the vine and we are the branches and that if we abide in Him we have all the power we need, even the power to toughen up and yet not close up. Questions for Young Leaders 1. Think of ways others—including parents, siblings, and teachers—criticized you as you grew up. How has the way you were criticized then affected your involuntary and initial response to criticism today? 2. If a 19-year-old youth intern came to you and asked you for advice regarding how to handle criticism just leveled at him or her, what advice would you give? What would you tell him/her to do, and not do? 3. What prevents us from receiving and learning from criticism? 4. Like Nehemiah, who thought he was doing a great work, do you think you are doing a great work? List the reasons you think your work is a great work? 5. How does your spouse handle it when people criticize you? 6. How does a minister develop a soft heart and a tough hide? Questions for Lead Pastors or Ministry Directors 1. How do the young leaders who work with you handle criticism? 2. What can you do to help them handle criticism better? 3. Think of a young leader who works with you. Is there a criticism that has been consistently leveled at him or her that has merit? How has the young leader reacted? As the young leader’s boss how can you help the young leader react to the criticism in a healthy way? Recommendations for Lead Pastors or Ministry Directors 1. Role play in staff meetings the following situations: • Someone comes to you, the youth pastor, and criticizes your lead pastor. What is your response? • Someone comes to you and criticizes you to your face. What is your response? • Someone comes to you and tells you of a third party who is spreading lies about you in the church or ministry. What do you say to the person who tells you this? What do you do about the third party? 2. Share with your young leaders your insights regarding how a minister can develop both a tough hide and a kind heart.