Confessions from the Smoking Bench
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On Sun, 7/11/10, Jacob Erdman wrote:
I am so happy, that you had the presence of mind, in an awful and ugly situation, to let go of your own attitude and let the peace of God wash over the entire situation like a flood. I am glad that you have made a huge step in letting go of the hatred and hurt that you have experienced in your life, and still do more often than you'd like to admit. Jesus died not only for our sins, but so that we may have peace as well. Often times, as you know, I go out fishing or for a drive somewhere, and it's not because I am a fishing addict or a loner, contrary to what you may believe (j/k), but because there is something that has happened regarding Caleb, or because of my own self loathing or anger, or what ever it is and I pray. Lately, since the day that I first left to Oklahoma, my prayers have been to praise God. There is just something inside of me that won't let me not praise God all the time. I praise God because I finally have my son living with me. I praise God because I am healthy. I look at the mountains, and the trees, the birds, the rivers, and all of his creation, and praise Him because even though He has created these things that are, in my opinion, more beautiful than humanity could ever be, He formed us, with His own hands, and His own breath, and He is concerned about every detail in our lives. I wish more than any other time that you could have been with me in Oklahoma to see the fireflies and stars that I have never see before. It was like a song, like you could touch it but your heart would break. The bible says that God is relentlessly in pursuit of us. Any good parent, even a somewhat lousy one, would do anything for their children. I have no doubt you would for Cameron, and I would for Caleb, even if it cost me everything right down to my very life. God feels the exact same way, and did more by giving His only son to die for a world that would reject Him. I praise God for that. He loves me just the way I am, and meets me wherever I am, and proved it. Whether it's in the darkest pits of my life, or the happiest moments that I don't want to ever end, He is there, and rejoices and sings over all of us. I can see Him smiling when he thinks of us, like we do when we think of our kids, and how our hearts are warmed by just the very thought of them. Just praise Him every chance you get, let your heart continually praise Him, in season and out of season.
On Mon, 7/12/10, Bree Downs wrote:
Did you have to make me cry? lol. So I guess I need to take up fishing. I am all out of beautiful things to say today. I am sorry. I will return your beautiful entry when my words are worthy of it. This is how I feel right now:
Partial lyrics to : I Need You to Love Me
-Barlow Girl
Why, why are you still here with me
Didn't You see what I've done?
In my shame I want to run and hide myself
But it's here I see the truth…
On Tue, 7/13/10, Bree Downs wrote:
Greater things are yet to come. I think I must look to the future and let go of my past. It seems to be weighing me down making me spiritually paralyzed. However, I have let most things go mentally, by handing them to the Lord, up until meeting my husband. So basically I have about five years of baggage I am still carrying around and I am trying to find a place to set it down so that I may rest a little. God is talking to me but I am a horrible listener. I know that I have so much to be thankful for. I have the best friends a woman could ever ask for, I have the most supportive intermediate family one could only dream of and my son, my sweet baby boy; my joy, my laughter and my love! What more could I want? Then why can't I forgive myself? Why can't I forgive my ex husband for not staying in love with me? When will I put this behind me and move on? I look to the left, to the right and glance over my shoulder, but I never can see what lies ahead or where I should go next. I push and I pull, but I never can truly embrace what my heart aches for. And the people or "things" I choose to “fix” this ache are like placebos. The feel good is all in my head, whatever I make it to be, until reality takes over and it ends. It crashes and burns leaving me helpless and hopeless. I look to God with knowledge of him and understanding of what he is capable of, but without the trust that he deserves. I lack the faith to sit and wait for him to lead me. I am grasping his hand like an unknowing child and running full speed ahead without looking to him for direction. Then to my surprise I find myself lost! Where am I? I look around but I have no one. I left my friends, my family, my son, and my Lord; they must be waiting for me and I must hurry back. I left my husband too. I gave up. I did not want to be with a man who did not want me. I felt like an accessory to him, something a salesman tricked him into buying at a great price. He carried me around like the latest new trend and as soon as I was ‘worn’ out he put me up on the shelf for the next new ‘bargain’. Maybe he felt this way as well. No matter what, I couldn't fix it. We tried talking it out maybe a thousand times; we tried all sorts of things to get along. I read books and he wrote lyrics; we went to a Life Group, Church, and Marriage Counseling. We had a future planned but we never made it to forever. Now I have a son from a man who is in love with another woman. How do I sit back and watch some stranger raise my child? How do you find someone who will love you forever? I cannot be perfect. I am not a robot; I get tired, angry, frustrated, scared and ill. I need help but I guess my heart is not ready and I do believe God is trying to get my attention before I make any more messy situations for myself. I will turn back now; find my friends, family and son. I will reach up to the Heavens and grab God's hand and try my best to let him take the lead for a while.
Wish me luck.
Xoxo
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About the Book
Confessions from the Smoking Bench started as a casual conversation during a smoke break, which turned into journal entries between authors Jacob Erdman and Breanna Federico. They then decided to create a book to show the world that they are Christians with normal, everyday lives who struggle and make mistakes. They may get confused and angry from time to time, but they never forget their purpose or who is in charge. Writing this book made them dig deep and work hard to make every word and every thought count. They truly believe it will open eyes and touch hearts, which is exactly what they wanted to do.
About the Author
Breanna Federico was baptized in a Lutheran church when she was very young but old enough to make the choice to do so. She now attends Northern Hills Church, for which she is very thankful. This book is her commitment in serving the Lord. Breanna was born knowing about God and accepting him as her Lord and Savior; however, it has taken twenty-seven years to figure out who God is and what he wants from her. This book was the most challenging and cleansing thing she has ever done. Breanna works as an administrative assistant in community corrections in Denver, Colorado. Jacob Erdman was born and raised in Commerce City, Colorado. He graduated high school and received an Associates Degree from a small vocational college. He now lives in Muskogee, Oklahoma with his son, Caleb.