Grieving the Loss of a Child

On my flight from Jackson Hole to Dallas, I was seated beside a woman and to be honest, she seemed heartless to me. She had no sympathy. On the flight from Dallas to Lexington, KY, I was seated by myself. I hurt so deeply. I continuously thought about all the knocks Derek had experienced in life.

We dropped below the clouds in Lexington and I was looking at the horse farms. I looked and my first thought was, “How do I see that horse so clearly?” It was as though it was magnified up against the window of the plane. I looked and the horse was in a field by itself and the grass was manicured like carpet, with a white fence around it. All at once, the horse broke to run and started kicking and bucking. As we descended toward the runway for the landing, the Lord spoke to my inner being and said, “I have set him free, he is free to run now”. I want you to know that I did not hear the Lord physically, but in my soul. It was louder than if I had heard him with my ears on the outside.

As I was flying home, the rest of the family was also very scattered on this particular day. Jeremiah, our other son, and his family reside in Lynchburg, Virginia so they had to make that eight-hour trip. My mom Zadie was in South Carolina headed to the beach with some friends. Mom and her friends turned around to head home. Millie’s Mom Joan was in our neighboring county, and was able to make it to our house early on Saturday morning. She has experienced similar grief in that she has had two children die: Millie’s sister was killed in an auto accident the day after Christmas in 2008; and her younger brother had died a few years earlier.

In the kitchen that night, around 11:30 to 11:45, Millie, Jeremiah, and Kim were sitting at the table. I was standing at that time. Hailey and Derek’s wife Stephanie had gone to the basement to go to bed. Stephanie had only slept an hour and Hailey had to step into the parent role (making phones calls, etc.), because Millie naturally fell apart after the sheriff’s deputy came to the door.

At the table, Millie, Jeremiah, and Kim were talking about how much Derek loved children and how much he wanted one. A baby or small child would always come to him when they wouldn’t go to others. I said, “He has one.”

They looked up at me like, “Old man you have lost it.”

I said, “No, he has one.” Stephanie miscarried a year and half ago. I continued, “Derek will know that his baby is in heaven.” I knew before that the babies who miscarry are in heaven, but it had never impacted me or been clearer to me than that Saturday night.