Beautifully Broken
Real Life Stories and the Lessons Learned from Them.
by
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I saw butterflies and flowers and my world was beautiful but I kept feeling like I wasn’t alone in this world, in this garden. There was an ugly root that was running underground beneath my beautiful flowers that my lazy butterflies would nap on. That root was ever so slowly overtaking my beautiful oasis. I didn’t see it at first, but felt something lurking in the shadows of my big strong tree in the middle of my world. It gave shelter from the sun and rain. It gave me strength knowing it was bigger and stronger than me. My tree with its long and strong branches reaching up to the Creator was being poisoned from the inside out. My tree was hollow. It looked strong, but it was an empty shell destroyed by this poisonous root. My flowers started looking dingy and the butterflies wouldn’t land on them. The wind would cry and the sun hid behind the
clouds. I looked around at my world, my oasis, my Eden and realized nothing was right. My world stopped. My world quit spinning and there was nothing I could do but watch it be destroyed. I had nurtured it and loved it and help make it into what it was, but the poisonous root was stronger than I. It won the battle. What that root didn’t know was, I helped that garden flourish. It didn’t take away my peace or knowledge of how to grow a new garden, a new Eden. The tree may not stand tall and its limbs may not stretch towards the Heavens, but I am standing tall and my hands are raised toward the Creator. The wind’s cries can no longer be heard because I am singing the praises of the Lord in its place. My Eden may not have flourishing flowers and lazy butterflies and I may not can lean on my tree and find solace but my oasis still exists. I cannot touch it, but I can feel it and one day it will come. It will have more wonders than I ever imagined possible. The shadow of my fallen tree will be on the outside of my garden but it will represent what was, not what is. The flowers will smell like Heaven, they will be vibrant and beautiful. There will be birds that sing and live in my tree. This time I won’t be alone in my garden, there will be Someone who walks with me. A new tree will be in the midst of it. No poisonous root will grow, and love will make my garden, my Eden, grow once again.
When that understanding happened, it didn’t make the pain go away but the guilt did. It wasn’t my fault. I cannot love someone “enough”, only God can. I cannot have a presence in someone’s life just to keep them on track. At some point, we all have to realize we have the right to choose. We choose right or wrong and we must live with the consequences. I cannot “will” someone to do right. It must be in their heart. I cannot force someone or guilt them into getting help. God gave us the freedom of choice and we practice it every day. What kind of life would that be to monitor every move and word?
I did not choose what was given to me, but I made the best of what was there. I picked up the pieces when I needed to and I put them back together, time and time again. When given the choice to go where I was wanted and didn’t have to feel shattered by someone else’s decisions, I chose to go before I ran out of glue. There is only so much a person can recover from without being scarred beyond recognition. We are not God. We can forgive, but sometimes the pain is so debilitating it takes away our
quality of life. Then we live as a vegetable. As I read and listened to these voices trying to drown my common sense and take away my dignity, I felt an overwhelming fear and pity. How sad is it to hold a ruler in your hand and have God’s name written on it as if that is all God is? What a pity to know that these people have never experienced the ultimate love of Christ and felt the cleansing power of forgiveness. How sad to think all God is, is rules, regulations, fire and brimstone. God is compassion and love and forgiveness above all else. God is just, not just the executioner. God is the ultimate friend. He is on our side. He doesn’t add up checks and balances and make sure we measure up. We will never be as good as He is. He doesn’t care. His love covers all of our shortcomings and failures. His blood covers our sins. In His eyes, we are the perfect children. How sad is that to live your whole life and not feel that and realize that in your journey? That was where my understanding said, see the bigger picture? My temper stomped and screamed. I wanted to type out a book of wrongs and say, see what YOU did to ME? What good does that do to someone who has done no wrong in their own eyes? What good would it do to speak to ears that will not hear? It is hard to live down lies, especially when one likes to believe the worst. How can I change it? How can I make them see? I can’t. Good thing is, I am not in control. People can try to punish me and leave their sins at my feet and say they are mine. God knows where I am at, He knows my heart, He is aware of my pain and that is all that I need.
It’s easy to look back and wonder, why you didn’t see the signs, or see the danger. I don’t need to feel sorry for myself or even an empty apology. Who would I be without this in my life? I was blind and through these circumstances, my eyes were opened. I can still see the ugliness of the world and it doesn’t scare me because I know there is beauty, if you look for it. I am not defeated. I am thankful of the woman I have become. God has made me a fierce warrior fit for battle but also an encourager with heart felt, kind words and a smile. I am a protector of the weak and a destroyer of evil. I would not fight with the veracity I fight with unless I had the knowledge that I have. Life can be good. Life can be tough. What will we make of it? Will we learn even when it hurts or become bitter, miserable and alone? What will our children say about us when we are gone? Will they be glad we aren’t in pain anymore or will our story be one past down from generation to generation? Some of us are at that crossroad. Don’t close your eyes, turn three times and start walking, praying you are on the right path. CHOOSE the right path and stand tall and strong. You will be okay.
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About the Book
This book is full of practical lessons that I have learned through my separation and divorce. It is for the believer or nonbeliever. It shows grace working through my humanity.
When I was a girl, I wrote my story of the way my life was going to be. I had everything planned down to the description of my prince. My life would be the ultimate fairy tale. I would have the perfect children and would be the perfect mom and wife.
And then I grew up. I thought I had found forever, but I was wrong. My invisible children were perfect, but my real ones were human. I read hundreds of books and followed every rule. However, I realized I was not perfect and that life (and God) was not just about rules.
We can do everything right, but that doesn’t make us exempt from hard times. God determines every outcome even when we don’t understand them, and we want to cry, scream, and stomp our feet in protest of the injustice we feel. If we are willing, God will guide our steps, and He will protect our hearts. He knows where we are in our story, but it is our choice how it ends.
About the Author
I am a small town, country girl that looks at our family’s farm as the place I called where I “grew up” although we moved over 20 times and went to 12 different schools in 13 years. I was raised an Independent Baptist preacher’s kid. (Don’t write me off yet!!) When I was a girl I wrote my story of the way my life was going to be. It turns out, life is not black and white nor is it a fairy tale.
In the fall of 2003 I went to the Bible college I dreamed about. I was dating the guy I thought I would marry until my dad told me that if I truly loved him, I would break up with him. He went on to say, the guy I was dating was a like my dad and I was like my mom. I would make him miserable. Around the same time, my future husband had his heart broken and a few months later we met. We were young, heartbroken and homesick. We dated for a year and were married at nineteen. We were very naive. He was my “first” in every way. A few months after we were married, I realized he lusted me, he didn’t love me. It was not until years later that I was setting him up to fail more times than not. I expected him to be at the same level my dad was but did not take into account that my dad had years to get to that point. Through many mistakes, addictions, two kids and ten years later, we were divorced. I did not grow up playing the single mom that was over worked, under paid and terrified at every turn I would lose my house and my kids. I dreamed I was going to be a rooting tooting cowgirl name Calamity Jane (Doris Day movie) I never thought I would live through emotional and verbal abuse, rejected by my dad, and when I finally told my family the truth of my circumstances, no one believed me. No one believed me until my mom finally got a glimpse of my reality. Here we are four years later and I am finally putting some of the lessons God taught me during a painful time of growth in a book. Some of my favorite chapters are about the lessons I learned through my kids or ones that are chapters about the funny things my kids have said or done.
My kids and I currently live in the town of Concord, North Carolina. I am currently singing in the Cowboy Church that is located near our home and speaking whenever the opportunity arises. God has allowed me to grow so much since the first chapters of this book was written. My humor has become my greatest tool in coping with life and keeping the negative thoughts that creep in my mind at bat. I was remarried in 2015 to an amazing man that has three awesome daughters. More on that later in my next book, “Lets Get Real”.