Clean Home, Messy Heart

The baby was screaming, the eldest was arguing, and the toddler was pleading for milk while my husband lay crippled on the couch with a headache. It was the sort of unwelcome symphony that puts a mother's guts into a knot while blending her wearied mind to a chunky soup.

In moments like these, when the swirling thoughts in my mind can be classified a category 5 hurricane, it's hard not to jump completely out of my skin with a roar of anger. On other occasions, I’m trapped in the throes of depression and numbing indifference. Though everything and everyone around me seems to move at one hundred miles an hour, I can only observe and react in wearied apathy.

Wrestling with my thoughts, emotions, and hectic home environment feels like a losing battle, most days. My desperate attempt to control my surroundings manifests itself in my fight to keep my home in a constant state of cleanliness. I dust tables, scrub floors, vacuum car seats and labor away at tidying up at every opportunity. I shriek when the milk has been strewn across the table and begrudgingly peel sticky popsicle sticks off the stained carpet.

My grass is never green enough, the flowers never well-watered, and the pet hair tumbleweeds continue to float across the floor no matter how many times I’ve swept. Yet, in spite of all of my efforts to control the cleanliness and order of our home, I’m left frustrated, joyless and defeated. This obsession with a well-manicured home reflects my utter inability to clean my messy heart, worn from the stains of pride and bitterness, yet hanging by a thread of the gospel.

How can faith in Christ redeem my overwhelmed heart in the moments of everyday motherhood? I know Jesus is he the way to the Father, the author of truth and the source of abundant life, but how does this knowledge transform my heart in the middle of the temper tantrums and disobedience of my children? Can the good news of the gospel hold me together when I’m sorely split at the seams?

WHAT THIS BOOK ISN'T...AND WHAT IT IS

If you're looking for a book that offers self-help tips, this isn't the one for you. I am not going to divulge things you can be doing differently to win a prize for mother-of-the-year. I am also not going to give you a magical cure-all for your parenting woes. The answer to this dilemma does not lie in improved child behavior, an increased landscaping budget, or the ability to hire a weekly maid service. The solution to feeling overwhelmed is not something, but rather someone: Jesus Christ.

Do you know him? I don't mean know about him; I mean know who he was, who he is, and who he promises to be to us in the future? If you do not have a personal relationship with Christ but are curious about him and the good news of his life, death, and resurrection, please visit the resource section at the back of this book. These chapters cannot stand apart from the foundation of Christ, our Savior.

Now, if you are looking for a fellow sister in Christ to share honest experiences of God's grace in the midst of anxiety-riddled highs or melancholy lows, you've found a friend who knows your burden. I'm not writing as one who has been there, but I am sharing as someone who is there, determined to keep focused on the rescuing grace God supplies by way of the cross. It's a grace that is always available to us in our time of need; a transforming grace that promises not to leave us where we lie, even when we cannot bear to lift another dirty dish or soiled diaper.

THE JOURNEY AHEAD TOGETHER

Warning: these pages contain real-life spiritual breakdowns. While it isn’t easy to air my dirty laundry, the pill is easier to swallow when it brings God all the glory. Why on earth he decides to step down into my messy life is something I’ve yet to fully understand. Regardless, I will forever be grateful he doesn’t remain so high and lofty that I cannot reach him in my most desperate moments. He bends a knee and lends an ear with but a whimper from my lips.

Each chapter recounts an actual story of various interactions with my three little darlings—the very creatures God uses to reveal my messy heart struggles. We'll take a deeper look at various convictions the Holy Spirit has brought to mind during these incidents, and then soak ourselves in the Word of God for therapeutic relief. We'll linger much longer (as we should) on the soothing balm that is the Word of the Lord. Though these are my stories, they're also small glimpses into the common heart ailments many of us face, certainly as women but especially as mothers.