Weightless: Flying Free

Day 1: Why Food? Do you ever wonder why it is that food has become a stronghold in your life? I always wondered why I ran to food and not another coping mechanism. In my journal time, God brought me back to the first time I used food in an unhealthy manner. It was at this time, I believe, the bulimic behavior was birthed. Why does food have so much control? Why is food the drug of choice? Basically, food is very accessible. We have to eat to survive. It is acceptable to eat food. It is okay to talk about food. Food tastes good. Food seems so innocent, yet it has the potential to cause pain. When does it become so dangerous? Take one cookie. A cookie is a little circle of sugar that entices you. When does this cookie become a monster? A cookie is innocent. A cookie tastes so good. A cookie is a treat. Yes, one cookie, or two cookies is a treat. What happens when that one cookie becomes a dozen? What happens when the cookie becomes the forbidden fruit? What happens when the cookie has more control than you have? It quickly loses its innocence. What started as something so small gives birth to a monster. A monster is defined as “a threatening force” (Merriam-Webster). A monster is an enemy. Food has become your friend, yet your worst enemy. Food became the comfort, the friend, when nothing or no one else was there. I had a love/hate relationship with food. Food served a different purpose in my life than providing nutrition. Food started as something fun. It would bring people together at social gatherings—until it became the honored guest. It just tasted so good that I couldn’t walk away. The “tastes” would linger in my mouth. I would have to have more. Little did I know that the food was just a mask, just a covering, and a Band Aid over my emotions and pain. What was I really craving? I was so unhappy inside that anything that brought me any pleasure, I would gobble it up. I started my first diet in 5th grade at the age of 11. The triggering event was when I overheard a negative comment about my body from a family friend. I interpreted that to mean that I wasn’t perfect. How could I regain the perfection that I thought I had achieved through all my performances? Up to that point in my life, I was always performing in order to be the perfect child. Whatever I could make perfect I would. This incident triggered me. I believe this was the birth, first stage, of my “Cookie Monster.” 1. What “role” did food play in your family of origin? Look at your childhood relationship to food. How was it used or controlled in your family? How did you see food?

2. What is your earliest memory of using food in an unhealthy manner? How old were you, who was there, what were the circumstances (i.e., first diet, first binge, first starving episode…), the emotions felt?

3. What purpose did the food serve at the time of your earliest memory? Day 2: God’s Face As explained in the previous chapter, a stronghold is a hiding place. This hiding place is serving a purpose in your life. What has proven instrumental in my recovery has been “putting a face” on the unhealthy eating behaviors I practiced. Who or what did the food stronghold represent? I often wondered if the bulimia had a face, who/what would it be? It has a face or faces. A food stronghold is false and is a covering. It is masking something. My prayer for you is to find the face that your stronghold is wearing (this face will be revealed throughout the recovery process). 1. What do you think you are seeking when you turn to or away from food?

2. What does Psalm 105:4 tell you to do?

3. What does “seeking” God’s face mean to you?

A special friend of mine sent me a card with the words, “I miss your face.” It spoke volumes to me. I use that expression all the time with my children when I am thinking about them and they are not with me. What I really miss is all of them, everything about them. Their faces tell it all. Their faces make me smile. It is the same with God…His face. When I seek God’s face, I am seeking Him, everything that He is. I crave His presence and a relationship with Him. I smile as I think about who He is and what He has done for me and continues to do…when I choose to seek Him.

4. Refer to Numbers 6:24-26. What happens when you experience God’s face upon you?

5. Where does seeking a stronghold lead you? (Proverbs 14:12; Matthew 7:13)

6. How would you describe the face of a food stronghold?

7. What are some of the characteristics of the face of a food stronghold in your life that you are beginning to see?

Day 3: Trust the Controller The bulimic years—the bulimia was a veil that covered my true self. This food stronghold shielded me from the world. It was my protection. It was all mine. No one could take it away. I had total control over it and my life…so I thought. I used the overeating and bulimia when I wanted to. It was my secret. I could enjoy all the foods I wanted and then purge them out. It served a purpose in my life. What was it really covering? What were the bulimic behavior and the obsession of being thin really masking? Why did I feel that I needed this for survival? Instead of facing my hurts and wounds, and labeling them as hurts and wounds, I starved them, fed them, and purged them. Look back to your earliest memory of using food in an unhealthy manner, from Day One. Ask God to reveal to you what you were trying to accomplish in the stronghold. Answer the question(s) below, which pertain to you (it is okay if you don’t know at this time).

1. What were you really “starving” when you ran away from food?

2. What were you really “feeding” when you ran to food?

3. What were you really “purging” when you purged the food?

All food issues consist of some form of control over food. When an area of your life is out of control, you cling to something that you are able to control, such as your body and food. Meanwhile, you are so focused on the management of the behavior (i.e., controlling it) that you are really out of control.

4. What do you believe you have control over in your life?

5. What and/or who do you try to control?

6. What do you think you are controlling with a food stronghold?

7. What do Ecclesiastes 7:13-14, Psalm 115:3, and Job 42:2 tell you about God? What does that mean to you?

Scripture states that God is in control…of everything. If God is in control, why are our lives so out of control? In the controlling of your food intake you may be trying to control pain from the past.

8. “People who have been hurt tend to react out of their wounded emotions, rather than to act according to wisdom and the Word of God” (Meyer, 36). Does this sound true of you?

The basic facts: Pain will be pain. Hurts will be hurts. Rejection will be rejection. Circumstances will be circumstances. And God will always be God. The question is, What will you do with…your pain; your hurts; your wounds; your rejection; your _________; and your God? I tried starving, binging, purging, all of the above—which backfired and caused more pain, more hurt, more wounds. Don’t allow your past circumstances, past hurts, to define who you are or infect your present and future. You need to unleash these and the control to the ultimate controller…God. I made the choice to give it all to God. Are you ready to give up your control to God’s control? Are you ready to give up the controlling of those things which have caused or are causing you pain, by a food stronghold, and make the choice to give up control and trust God?