Adultery Hurts, Stop It!

Chapter 1

Adultery Hurts

Adultery is the most devastating act against any marriage. If your wife or husband has committed, or is committing adultery, you need to turn yourself toward the Lord and ask for wisdom and courage to help you endure the pain and ask God to give you the ability to hear his voice in the middle of your pain and anger that is screaming out a variety of emotions.

There is no excuse for adultery. The Bible says, "flee youthful lusts" (2 Timothy 2:22). The warning against adultery is also one of the Ten Commandments. "You shall not commit adultery" (Exodus 20:14).

Adultery is the primary temptation that leads to having an affair. This is why the bible does not just want against committing adultery, it admonishes us to avoid the steps that lead to it. The reason for these warnings is the bible lists adultery as one of the only reasons for divorce. This does not mean divorce is God's will for marriage. Rather, the bible always teaches the best course of action is repentance and reconciliation. You should always seek God's direction in prayer along with other wise counsel in this matter before you decide to divorce your spouse.

However, if your wife or husband is defiant about their active adultery and this is not the first time this happened, or they refuse to stop, then you need to be much stronger in your attitude. This is where you may consider separation or possibly a divorce. Staying in a relationship that can expose you to sexually transmitted diseases, as well as great emotional harm, is not God's will for a healthy marriage.

If you decide to move towards divorce, my advice is for you to seek out a Christian counselor to help you through this difficult process.

Seek God's guidance to deal with the aftermath of adultery, for it is much like the stages of grief following a death. It is important to give yourself the right to grieve during this painful moment in your life. Because you have experienced a terrible betrayal, you've been hurt, and those feelings of anger, depression, bitterness and others are perfectly natural. However, you must take these feelings to the Lord in prayer and he will give you peace of mind. Let Him heal your wounded heart. Allow the Lord to wash over you with healing.

If you are the spouse who committed adultery, the most important step you can take is to accept responsibility and admit fault for your actions and the gravity of the pain you've caused. Because of what you have done, you need to have a contrite attitude and recognize the pain and betrayal that you have caused your husband or wife, understanding there is a good chance it will take some time before they express any attitude of forgiveness. It is vital that you be patient. Remember, by your actions, you have sinned against God and against your spouse, committing perjury against the sacred vows you took on your wedding day.

My advice to you is to sincerely repent to God and then your spouse. Please understand, repenting does not mean there will be no consequences for your sins. You must also deal with the results of your actions, some of which may endure for the rest of your life. Rather than make excuses for whatever issues in your marriage may have existed, realize that no matter what circumstances contributed to the breakdown of the relationship that led to you feeling you needed to commit adultery, no one caused you to sin (and that includes the devil). It was your choice.

If you wish to restore your life and repair your marriage, you will have to prove to your spouse that you have truly changed. Many people express sorrow after they have been caught in a particular sin or crime, but often it is sorrow over the consequences rather than godly sorrow over the act itself. The way you can tell the difference is when you are experiencing feelings of sorrow, would you feel that way if no one found out about your sin, or if they did, if there were not consequences. If the answer is no, then your repentance is not sincere. However, if your repentance is sincere, and with patience you understand you must “prove yourself,” then there is a good chance your reputation and trust can be regained by your spouse; rather than have a pious attitude of, “well, I said I was wrong and sorry, she needs to forgive me. After all, Jesus said we are to forgive those who wrong us seven times seventy;” acknowledge it is natural for your spouse to be suspicious of you for a while. Trust can be restored, but it only comes as you are open and honest and prove yourself trustworthy.

If you are sincere in wanting your marriage to work, it is not enough to have a sincere heart of repentance. You must also think about a plan to avoid the steps that led to commit adultery in the first place.

The bible says, “A prudent man foreseeth the evil, and hideth himself: but the simple pass on, and are punish” (Proverbs 22:3). In the New Testament, this is further clarified when we are told not just to abstain from evil but from the very appearance of evil. “Abstain from all appearance of evil” (1 Thessalonians 5:22).

This is very practical advice. A common refrain when someone that we did not expect is discovered to have sinned is, “they fell into sin.” That is a lie, there is no such thing as falling into sin. The phrase implies that you were just going about life, minding your own business when suddenly, like tripping over a crack in the sidewalk, you stumbled and fell.