Lord, Help Me . . . I Have a Date!

When I started dating following the death of my spouse after more than thirty years of marriage, I realized there were very few people to talk with about what I was experiencing. Although I have since remarried, I became aware that as a widower, I was grieving, and I would need to allow some time to elapse before I would start to feel some semblance of normalcy. However, I simply did not know what to expect or what pitfalls I needed to be aware of. In other words, I could have benefited from the advice of someone with some insight into what I was experiencing. Although I had four siblings who were single and whom I loved and respected, each of them lived in another city, and none of them seemed very interested in dating or remarrying. Each of them had been married previously, but each had also been divorced at least twice (except for one). They were not exactly experts when it came to giving their younger brother dating or relationship advice. My parents were deceased, and I could not talk to my friends because they we were all married.

It did not take long for me to realize that when my pastor (and most pastors) talked with parishioners from the pulpit, they told stories, joked, or gave advice in the context of marriage. Why? Because, most pastors were married, and a significant number of their parishioners were also married. I don’t even think many of them were aware of this because, as a pastor, it is their responsibility to address the needs of those in their congregation. Nonetheless, I started feeling really left out and even lonelier. In addition, I had always known that most married men were not exactly excited about a single man having conversations with their wives. Also, the thought of me as a single man keeping company with married men regularly could have been a problem as well. Their interests and mine were a little different from a relationship perspective. I knew other single men whom I had befriended over the years. Yet going to the movies, to dinner, or to sporting events with another man was simply not appealing to me. As a matter of fact, one single man I knew told me that he did not have a girlfriend, did not need a girlfriend, and did not want a girlfriend. I suspect that no woman wanted him, but that’s another story. Singles are sometimes a forgotten group, particularly in the church, because most church leaders are—what? Married!

Our friends can sometimes unwittingly make the journey even more difficult. For example, when singles are seen with members of the opposite sex, some friends tend to assume that the relationship is romantic in nature, as opposed a friendship. Also, if you’re seen together more than once, then you are definitely dating. Sometimes all you want is someone to talk to. Singles must be careful not to allow others to make them feel like they should own the values, opinions, attitudes, and patterns of thinking that belong to others.

The idea of finding a book on dating or joining a support group was foreign to me, so I just floundered. At times I was on an emotional rollercoaster, and I needed a roadmap to navigate the sensitive terrain of understanding the human transaction in the context of dating. In some ways I was my own worst enemy. I didn’t take the advice I received from a single woman who had been a friend for over thirty years. I still thought I could make good decisions. Why wouldn’t I? I always had. Little did I know that I did not know what I did not know. If I had known what I did not know then, I might have avoided some of the mistakes I made with my time, money, and emotions. A book of this nature could not only have helped me avoid some of those mistakes, but it could also have given me some insight into why I was feeling the way I was about what I was going through. I might have made the same decisions anyway. Yet, if someone I knew and trusted had given me a book to read that helped me on my journey, I would really have appreciated it. Maybe you know someone who has “kissed dating goodbye,” someone who has recently exited a painful relationship, or someone who simply could use some guidance in dealing with the phenomenon that we refer to as “dating.”