The Audacity to Finish

Life for me, as a 21-year-old, third-year college student felt good. I was learning how to tap into all the lights that had been so severely dimmed as a child. I no longer had a fear of being rejected because it seemed like in college, or at least the one I was attending, smart, outgoing people who desired to make something of themselves, were valued. I had a student-leader job that required me to be the open, helpful, encouraging person I already was. I was actively learning how to help students get through the grief of being away from their family members, how to deal with the pain of being betrayed by those they considered sacred, and how to make it through school. I was leading an incredible student-led organization as President, and I had built a great portfolio of writing. It was clear God was at work in me. Although the landscape of my individual friendships within the group I was a part of began to change, I couldn’t focus on that. I couldn’t allow echoes of a childhood racked with self-doubt, bullied esteem, and fear threaten the space I had moved into. It hurt to know I was being secretly judged by people I had formed bonds and shared space with, but if I expected to graduate the following year and begin a successful career, I needed to focus. And I did just that. I worked hard, and by the May of my junior year, I had achieved a 3.7 GPA. I left for summer feeling exhausted, but satisfied that I had given my responsibilities, my all. It would be the last time I remember life as a normal college student.