My New Normal

I glanced at my ringing phone, and not recognizing the number, debated letting the call slip to voicemail. Instead I hit the little green button and placed the cell phone to my ear.

On the other end of the call was a vaguely familiar voice. As she introduced herself my foggy brain established recognition.

We are family but as happens with large families we had grown up visiting one another only on very rare occasions. It had been a handful of years since I had seen her last so I was more than a little surprised to be receiving that phone call. I was happy to hear from a distant relative and curious to why she was reaching out after all this time.

I was not left wondering long as she bypassed any small talk and went straight to telling me that she recently learned of my being sick from another family member and announced that she knew the reason for illness. I’ll admit that my curiosity was piqued. At this point I had been ill for about a year or so and no doctor could properly diagnose me. I desperately wanted to be healed and was willing to listen to nearly anyone’s suggestions.

Her voice was kind yet stern and I could sense that she had no doubts of what she was about to share with me being the exact answer I was in need of.

I am not sure what I thought she was going to say but I wasn’t even a little bit prepared for the way her words would sting or for the deep pit of despair that they would soon spiral me down.

That day, over an impersonal phone call, she told me that God was punishing me.

She continued on to say that I was the reason for my sickness. Because of an unforgiven sin in my life the Lord was angry and withheld His healing. Until I had real faith and was truly remorseful for my sin I would not earn the Lord’s favor and He would continue my torment. Then there was a long pause of silence. Maybe she was remaining quiet to allow her words to sink in far enough that I would heed her warning and be “saved”.

I wish I could tell you how the conversation ended. I wish I could tell you that I was spiritually strong enough to counter her misguided assistance with pertinent bible verses to assure her that our God did not work like that. But I can’t recall saying anything at all. I only hope that I was kind to her in whatever response I mustered up. What I do remember is setting the phone down on the table next to me with shaking hands and feeling that I had just been harshly judged by someone who did not know me or my life.

Waves of confusion and anger began to roll over me. My feet were glued to the floor as I stood staring at the wall in front of me. My mind swirled with questions and my heart attempted to grasp the rush of emotions as I wondered how someone would assume that I was such a terrible person that God had to punish me daily with this pain and these physical struggles.

As the minutes drifted past I felt my anger turn to anguish.

Fighting against their sudden heaviness I forced my feet to move and my wobbly legs to carry me to the nearby chair. As I lowered myself into it my cheeks flushed with the heat of shame and embarrassment as memories flooded my mind. The long list of terrible mistakes I’ve made and the dark unwanted pictures of the evil I’ve experienced at the hands of others swept through me.

What if she was right? Was God punishing me?