Dating Backyard Dogs

We all run the risk of inviting a backyard dog into our heart. What is a backyard dog? A backyard dog is someone who has decided that they are the most important person in life. That their needs and expectations come ahead of everyone else’s, no matter the cost. They perpetually wrestle with God because he asks to be put in first place. This is a problem for a backyard dog because they are determined to do what they want, when they want. If someone struggles to put God first, the one who has loved them unconditionally, always had their best in mind, and has never made a mistake; they will most definitely struggle to put your needs ahead of their own.

Today’s culture actually promotes a style of dating that breeds outdoor dogs. Society tells young adults to live it up while you can. Have fun! Just be sure to use protection! It’s as if we’ve created a responsibility free zone for anyone who is single. A kind of perpetual “Spring Break.” “Because what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.” Singles are told to do whatever they want to do with whom ever and the more partners the better, because practice makes perfect and all the fun will stop when they get married. It’s ok to use one another for momentary pleasure, lie if necessary, and when it no longer works for you, break up and go off to find someone new. You can keep doing that over and over again with no consequences till one day you decide it’s time for a serious relationship. Then you’ll shift gears and start looking for “The One.” Hopefully, someone who has not been too damaged from dating a string of backyard dogs.

This is the most destructive advice that could ever be given to a single adult. Why? Because those actions are actually training up a backyard dog. Repeat behavior over and over again and it will become a habit; repeat it for years and it will become character. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior and the best predictor of how someone will behave in a marriage is how he or she behaved in past dating relationships. If someone you date has spent the last six or seven years behaving like an outdoor dog, why would you expect them to marry you and magically and instantaneously transform into an indoor dog?

Not too long after we had planted Cornerstone (the church I pastor), a new family joined the church. When you are small and just starting out, a family joining is a big deal and we were ecstatic. About two months later, his wife called me late one evening asking if I could help. She and her husband had been arguing. He was now out with friends at a bar falling down drunk, and the whole group was about to head over to a strip club. The wife wanted me to go drag him out of the bar and send him home before he engaged the strippers. So there I was, a young pastor of a new church, headed into a bar to argue a drunk into going home. The next day I met with him to find out what was going on. He revealed that he had been depressed because he had made some illegal business transactions, which the government had recently discovered. He was facing huge fines and probable bankruptcy.

About three weeks later, that same husband announced that he wanted to start a men’s ministry in our small church where he would advise other men how to lead their families. As graciously as I could, I thanked him for his offer and explained that in order to lead, he would have to establish a track record of leading his own home well. He was furious… how dare I turn down his offer. Our church had no men’s ministry; he was offering to give us one. Whatever missteps he had made, they were in the past; remember it had been three weeks. Jesus had forgiven him and we should too. I tried to explain that there is a difference between forgiveness and credibility, and that leading anything in the church required credibility. He left the church with a big stink, telling anyone who would listen how poorly I had treated him.

About six months later, a pastor from the church he and his family were attending called me. He informed me that he had been spending time with our mutual friend and it was obvious that I had offended him. I patiently and painstakingly walked him through the story. At the end, it was clear that the other pastor was giving equal veracity to his version of the story, as he was to mine. He suggested that we meet to talk out our differences and offered that he would moderate. I declined. I knew that if we met and his new pastor continued to give equal weight to both of our stories, nothing would be resolved. Instead I offered this solution, let the man continue in his church for another six months, be sure to observe his behavior, and if after that time the pastor still felt a meeting was necessary, I would gladly make myself available.

About nine months later, I just happened to be attending a function with the other pastor. Afterwards, I walked over and asked him if we still needed to have a meeting. His response, “Not a chance.” The man’s true colors had revealed themselves at the new church. Actually I was disappointed. I was hoping he would have grown in his walk and be making better choices. But, I wasn’t surprised; experience teaches that… the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior!

So ask your self a question, why am I dating backyard dogs? If past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior what’s going to change? If they’ve had bad relationships in the past and you look at how they currently behave, what’s your best guess as to what your future with them looks like? How crazy is it to think that if one of you puts on a white dress and the other a black tux, a pastor says a few words over you and magically your outdoor dog will become an indoor mate? Instantly capable of navigating all the personal sacrifice, acts of kindness, and compromise required in a healthy marriage. The reason this never works is that marriage doesn’t fix our problems instead it magnifies them. Many people get married naively believing that marriage means we’ll take whatever is the best in both of us and combine it to become an amazing couple. What they forget is that marriage also takes whatever is the worst in both of you to potentially create something very toxic.

What does this mean for you? You need to do whatever is necessary to avoid dating backyard dogs. Even if it means fewer dates, nights spent alone and even risking making someone mad along the way. Whatever the cost, keep backyard dogs in the backyard! The surest way to end up with a backyard dog invited inside (your heart) is to date one. The problem with outdoor dogs is we fall in love with them. We begin to overlook their chewing and justify their potty mistakes. Even backyard dogs have real, genuine moments of goodness, moments when you feel like they actually care for you and would be willing to change. After a while you’ll have so much time invested in your backyard dog you won’t be able to face the idea of starting over with a new dog so… you’ll invite your backyard dog in. Doesn’t it make more sense to spend the remainder of your dating time the way God wants you to date, dating indoor dogs, in order to set yourself up for success for the next fifty plus years of your life?

In the next few chapters we’ll discover how to identify backyard dogs, unpack the disappointment of settling for one and reveal the deepest needs of both men and women. Hopefully you will recognize that leaving Jesus out of your dating life is a major mistake. Ultimately learning to use valuable tools that will help you find your indoor dog. So join me for an exciting adventure that promises to change the rest of your life.