How to Build an Enduring Marriage

Chapter 2: A Woman of Character

Goal: Joyful Wife

My sister has a sign hanging in front of the mirror in her bathroom. It reads: “You are looking at the person responsible for your happiness.” A joyful wife takes responsibility for her own happiness. True happiness is not the kind of fleeting feeling a child has with a new toy or a giddy feeling that quickly fades. Genuine happiness is an overriding sense of joy about being the person you were created to be—doing what you were created to do, thinking what you were made to think, and speaking good words about good things. A joyful woman isn’t a woman who retaliates or is a responder to others’ problems or actions, but she is a woman who is response-able for her actions.

You will tend to look at your world from the glasses you choose to wear. I had a pair of pink colored glasses on my counter for quite some time to teach my children to look at their world “through rose-colored glasses” on purpose. What glasses color your world? Usually the glasses you are looking at the world through are colored with the character traits you exemplify. My mom’s extreme love for people colors her world with love. When she looks at people or situations, love rules and everything is viewed through love. Another person may feel self-pity, and when they look at people or situations, they color others and events with the way they feel they were left out or victimized.

Because we see the world differently, several people can live in the same household, and later, when talking about it, each one saw it through the “glasses” they wore. For example, one of my siblings believes she grew up in a pretty perfect household; while another sibling only saw and dwelt on the negative aspects of growing up in the same household. We often laugh and wonder how it is possible that we grew up at the same time in the same home when each of us remembers it differently.

How you see the world changes your experience and affects your joy. This principle hit me particularly hard one Thanksgiving when I had a great day with my incredible family. All day my relatives, approximately 45 of us, enjoyed each other. We had a fantastic dinner, and a wonderful time being together, playing games, and watching football. When I got in the car, I said to my husband, “Did you hear what so and so said to me?” and I launched into something negative that was said at the beginning of the day about the way I looked. Suddenly I heard myself and I was totally disgusted. There were multitudes of wonderful things I could have focused on, yet I chose an isolated statement to triumph over the memories of the day. The problem wasn’t with the day or with the person that said it; the problem was me. I didn’t like myself at that moment, and I made a decision I would never again allow myself to concentrate on the one or two negative things about a day, but I would rather choose to focus on the good that happened.

If you have a grateful spirit, like the women I helped when I volunteered at Gilda’s Club,TM you will find much to be grateful for every day. One woman, who had survived her battle with cancer, said she used to complain about the weather or little annoyances, but now she sees through the glasses of returning health, so she refuses to complain about small things again. She is happy to be alive.

When I decided to put different glasses on, I began to hold myself responsible and put myself in check when I started to look for or focus on negatives. My family has joined me in changing our glasses and thus the way we perceive our surroundings. When we leave an event or get up from the dinner table, we like to take turns telling our favorite part of the event or meal.

Unfortunately, some homes only focus on negatives. Some women live with constant and harsh criticism, told and made to feel that they will never amount to anything. I have counseled people who have a difficult time believing that they can do anything correctly. You can have a transformation and change your thinking patterns. When you accept the forgiveness Christ died to give you to walk in fellowship with God, you are in Christ, and He makes all things new. You are accepted which means highly favored. And you have the Word of God and the Spirit of God to train you so that you are equipped for every good work.

A joyful wife looks for the good in life. Knowing this about perspective inspired me to start asking each member of our family the best things that happened in their days. By focusing on the good things in each day, we trained our vision. We also made it a habit at our dinner table to take turns going around the table and saying one good thing about each person. Every person trained their eye to find the best qualities about each member of the family. On our family walks, to illustrate the concept that “you find what you are looking for,” we would alternate looking for things “wrong” in the neighborhood with things “right.” We would then talk about how much more enjoyable it was to look for the right things.

What are you looking for? You will see people, circumstances, and situations from the glasses you put on each morning. If you begin each day by reading the Bible, your focus will change too. You will see good things and your family will follow your lead.

When you learn to love righteousness and hate wickedness, you will have an anointing of true joy above your companions. Also, in the presence of the Lord, you will find strength and gladness, or true joy.