Re-Covering in God
40 Days Wrestling with God
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Day 34 New directions As a child, we took family trips to National Parks. Trips to the Rocky Mountains were my favorite. I often daydreamed (and still do) of living in a small cabin in the foothills of the mountains with the summits covered with snow. I imagined in front of the cabin, down a slight hill, a mountain stream, pine trees, wild flowers, green grass, deer, birds, and mountain goats; of watching the sunrise through the foothills and glorious sunsets between the mountain ranges; of inviting friends to visit and enjoy God’s beautiful creation. From my experience of hiking several mountain ranges, I was aware that creeks that developed from snow melting and rain fed into the mountain streams, and sometimes, when heavy rains or snow came it caused flooding, landslides, and avalanches. In my daydreams, I developed plans to protect my cabin by creating dams and re-directing creeks. As I move on in life, accepting alcoholism as a disease, this dream regularly surfaces. It symbolizes my love of nature and God’s creation, and a desire to re-build my life in a place of serenity where I can be at peace with God, myself, and others. Just as I was aware as a child of the potential for weather that would out be out of my control, I’m aware now that there will be events in life that I can’t control: I call these Activating Events. Over the years I’ve developed patterns of how I deal with such events—some are healthy, others are not and have often led me back to drinking. Those patterns, like the small creeks, have become engrained, as are my beliefs about that event, which may or may not be accurate. Unless I change my behaviors and beliefs, the consequences will damage or destroy me. I choose to build dams in order to protect myself. I utilize prayer, my AA Sponsor, AA, Church, close friends, and walking in nature as a part of my dam system. Dams, however, break when under too much pressure and greater damage can be done. So in addition to the dams, I must create new beliefs and redirect my thoughts in healthier patterns. When I talk through my old thinking with others, I can set a new direction and have my beliefs and thoughts about the event move into a new and healthier direction. Old patterns begin to fade, though they will never disappear; and they’ll always take me down the path of destruction if I don’t redirect and create a new, safer path for my life. As difficult events occur in life, a quick way to remember this is A, B, C, D, E: Activating Event: A harsh word, an unexpected outcome, any event that causes distress Belief: What am I thinking—it is healthy or not? Consequences: What are the consequences of heading down this path with unhealthy thinking? Dam: Disputing those beliefs or thoughts through prayer and reaching out to others for support. Dreaming again and moving in new spiritual directions. Enjoying: Serenity, peace with God, myself, and others If I don’t do this, my D becomes “Damn it, I don’t care,” which leads to Drinking and Drowning my thoughts and feelings—Destructive attitudes and behaviors. My E becomes “Escape" from my thoughts and feelings through alcohol, which destroys me, others, my relationship with God; it will “End” my life.
Do not lie to one another, seeing that you have put off the old nature with its practices and have put on the new nature, which is being renewed in knowledge after the image of its creator. Colossians 3: 9–10 Action: Read Colossians 3:5–17. Identify patterns you need to change, dams you need to build, and new directions to develop; share it with another person.
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About the Book
I lost my joy of loving God and loving others as myself, as I expressed my thirsting and hungering for God in unhealthy ways. Instead of utilizing God’s light to guide me, I often turned to alcohol and the -isms that had become part of my life: workaholism, perfectionism, caretakerism, and athleticism.
My refusal to accept that I had developed the disease of alcoholism, after drinking normally for twenty-five years, created insane scenarios, as I turned to alcohol for relief when in a state of dis-ease with life, but that relief valve became my enemy. This was further complicated by doctors not understanding alcoholism and the consequences of prescribing medications to me for pain and anxiety. As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I thought I walked alone.
My heart, soul, body, and mind wrestled with God over my denial of this disease called alcoholism. How could I, a Christian for over fifty years, be struggling with this disease? How could I have hurt God, others, and me? How could I be such a poor witness? Would I face the truth with God and let Him reveal the damage done to my foundation? Would I face God, myself, and others and make amends? Or would I continue to run and hide in my alcoholism and other -isms?
As I turned to God, His light revealed to me the truth about myself and what I needed to do in order to be in His will. As I choose to be recovered in God’s Spirit each moment, the spirits of alcoholism and other -isms flee; but only as long as I choose to “Be still (cease striving) know God” and live In His will, not mine.
About the Author
Sue Watlov Phillips is a woman of God who seeks to serve faithfully the Lord through her passion of social justice by serving people experiencing homelessness or housing crisis, and people with chemical, mental, and physical health issues. She drank alcohol normally for 25 years. During menopause, alcohol began to impact her life in a negative manner. After struggling with alcohol for 10 years during which she almost lost her relationship with God, family, friends and her life, Sue placed herself in an in-patient treatment center. This devotional is the outgrowth of her on-going wrestling with God over alcoholism, workaholism, athleticism, perfectionism, and other –isms, her determination to understand more fully the nature of recovery, and her struggle to re-cover in God each day. With a B.A. in Psychology and M.A. in Counseling and Psychological Services, she is a retired Licensed Psychologist, Independent Clinical Social Worker, Marriage and Family Therapist and Certified Sports Psychologist. Sue has worked for 50 years in social justice, with an emphasis on serving people experiencing homelessness or in a housing crisis. She developed some of the first transitional housing, prevention, and rapid rehousing models in the country (Elim Transitional Housing, Inc.), in 1983. This became a model for local, state and federal legislation. Throughout the last 4 decades she has also contributed to the writing of Minnesota and Federal legislation regarding mortgage foreclosure prevention, emergency shelter, rapid re-housing, affordable housing, livable incomes, affordable health care and transit, excellence in education and job training, protection of our environment and protecting and honoring people’s civil rights. She is the Owner, President and CEO of Integrated Community Solutions, Inc., a for profit consulting company. Sue currently serves as the Vice President of National Coalition for the Homeless and Executive Director of the Metropolitan Interfaith Council on Affordable Housing- MICAH. As a founding Board Member (1988), she has provided this service to MICAH four times during MICAH’s 31 years of advocating for affordable housing in the Twin Cities community. As a consultant, teacher, and writer, she speaks at and leads workshops, conferences, and Bible Studies. Co-author of several publications including Rapid Re-Housing Manual (2010), Foreclosure to Homelessness (2008 and 2009), and a contributor to Without Housing (2010), she served on the Advisory Committee (2013-14) as a co-author of Adapting Clinical Practice for the Care of Homeless Patients with Opioid Use Disorders (March 2014) for the Health for the Homeless Clinician’s Network. Sue bought the home she grew up in Fridley, Minnesota. On the weekends, she helps a friend manage a resort in northern Minnesota. She continues to facilitate a recovery group at Elim Church; leads A Bible Study, Singing and serves as a substitute pastor at an assisted living facility; and owns and manages a 103-year-old country store (1916), gas station, and post office.