From Messed Up to Grown Up

At the age of 46, I had reached the pinnacle of my career. I was the operating partner for four Keller Williams Realty franchises that had not only survived but thrived through one of the worst housing markets ever. I was making more money than I had ever dreamed. Everywhere I turned, I was experiencing God’s favor.
More importantly, I had a loving, supportive wife and two precious teenage daughters who honored and respected me. They were and still are everything to me, and I was grateful for all that God enabled me to provide for them. We had been on three vacations in the last six months, and my wife and I had just bought a cabin in the mountains—the fulfillment of a life-long dream.
Does this all sound good, or what? I should have been screaming “Hallelujah!” from the rooftops, right? From the outside looking in, my life seemed as close to perfect as it could be.
But on a chilly winter’s day, I unexpectedly found myself in a crisis. On that morning, I drove to my office to give the speech of a lifetime to my employees and co-workers. All eyes would be on me as I enthusiastically presented my vision for the coming year. I take preparation very seriously. I had spent three full days preparing for this 45-minute speech. My partners in business depended on me to lead them, support them, and provide them a sense of security and accomplishment. And, on this particular day, I did not let them down. They gave my speech rave reviews. My presentation was seamless, and I could sense the entire room embracing my vision. As I walked out of the building and to my car, I savored how good it felt to have that presentation behind me. I was excited to go home and spend the weekend relaxing.
I had only been driving about five minutes when, unexplainably, my eyes started to water, and my face became flush with beads of sweat. What in the world was going on? Was I having a heart attack? A panic-attack? A breakdown? Should I call the doctor?
I am not exaggerating when I say that it was everything I could do to hold back my tears and compose myself. I was overwhelmed with something I had never before felt. I knew well what stress was, and this was far beyond stress: I was completely losing control. After three or four more minutes, I became so afraid of wrecking that I pulled over to the side of the highway. After shutting off the car, I cried out to God for understanding. I remember praying, “I have it all, Lord. What is wrong with me?”
I could not have prayed more earnestly, but no answer and no peace came. After a few more minutes, I restarted my car and drove directly home. For the next four hours, I sat in my office and stared out the window without moving. What was happening to me? Who could I call? If I called somebody, what would I say? This was the most confusing moment I’d ever experienced. As I sat there, I was finally able to compose myself. I called my wife just to check in. I faked a happy speech and made sure she knew I loved her. Then, I texted both of my girls a quick, “Your Pops loves ya!” Don’t misunderstand: I was in no danger of hurting myself or anyone else. I just had an overwhelming feeling of loss and depression, and I didn’t understand why.