At the Heart of the Matter

Creating a New Consciousness
Recently I had a conversation with a gentleman, now caring for his wife of fifty years. He openly discussed the many changes in his marriage following his wife’s diagnosis of Alzheimer’s disease. He began by sharing that she no longer remembers him and often searches for parents who have long passed. He has cherished their relationship thus far; however, he is in the process of creating a new consciousness; that is, he is making changes in the traditional way he viewed their relationship in an effort to continue being a husband to his wife. Creating a new consciousness as a caregiver means partnering with those we care for to combine and work collaboratively for the good of the two. Our perceptions and responses shape everything in our world. His alteration in perspectives allows him to cope with the physical, emotional, and social results of the disease process. The simple act of taking a step back enabled him to transform and open himself to his newly defined role, which changes daily. He transformed the way he responds to the circumstances in which he and his wife found themselves as a result of Alzheimer’s disease. Although she may not always remember who she is, she does feel the love radiating and being lavished on her by her husband.
The Caregiver’s Journey1, explains the root definition of what it means to care for another. Toft, Phol, and Deniston stated that caregiving means, “admitting we don’t always have the answers or know what to do. It means admitting our fears, taking time for ourselves and getting help when we need it.” Caregiving also means gaining a deeper understanding of our loved ones as well as ourselves, to make pertinent changes to grow together.
The act of making small, gradual, paced changes can offer motivation during difficult relationship transitions. Douglas Pegals2 provided an excellent example of transformation in the following statement: The older I get, the more aware I become of the ebb and flow of certain feelings in my life. I know for instance, to save certain things for the times when my inner strength is like a steady wind—filling the sails to take me where I need to go. Some tasks ask me to wait for a better day, until I’ve got plenty of energy to get where I’m going, or wait until my confidence is growing stronger. I may delay a difficult call that must be made, a visit that requires my full happiest face, or a duty that demands an abundance of courage. If I can wait until the time is right, I find I’d more likely get to my destination. In the same way that you can’t sail out to sea when the tide is out, you need to heed the ebb and flow of the feelings in your life. Like waves on the ocean, coming ever closer to the shore, courage and strength will rejoin you—soon, steady, and forevermore (p. 7).
Douglas Pagels’s words offer suggested venues to acknowledge personal/caregiver-related strengths through opening ourselves to the opportunities that exist in our present circumstances. We can gain a greater sense of who we are, a new and conscious being with enough courage to love and accept our loved ones and ourselves just as we are. By opening our hearts and minds to possibilities, we can transform even the most challenging of circumstances if we take life one minute, one hour, one day at a time.


1Dough Toft, Mel Pohl, and Deniston Kay, The caregiver’s journey: When you love someone with AIDS (HarperCollins, New York, 1999). 2 Douglas Pagels, The language of courage and inner strength: A wonderful gift of inspiring thoughts. (SPS Studios, Inc, Boulder Colorado, 1999).