I Refuse to Be Who I Used to Be!

Pondering Termination of Current Habits

Looking back in the “ rearview mirror" has brought a recognition of how I was during my 20's and 30's. I now know that my approach to God was actually a "parroting" of what I had observed from my mother and other Christ-followers, that is, I duplicated what was demonstrated to me. While I totally agree that it is absolutely essential to "train up a child in the way he should go…”(Proverbs 22:6), it has finally become equally obvious to me that there must also come a time in the life of every adult individual when an intentional decision is made to develop their very own, self-initiated, intimate and consistent relationship with the Lord. I recall how I would stand when "they" stood; sit when "they" sat; clap when "they" clapped (in rhythm with the songs/choruses being sung)...…cold, lifeless, religion (form without power), and absolutely not relationship. It strikes me that males are probably more guilty of this… perhaps we subconsciously think that outward displays of emotion are more for the ladies and children or maybe it's the macho male belief that we will appear "soft", especially if we should shed tears? (I finally overcame the erroneous belief that men don’t cry when I accepted the truth that Jesus wept (John 11:35) at the time of Lazarus’ death and numerous other times; Peter wept bitterly (Matthew 26:75) after his three-time denial of the Lord). So much for the often accepted declaration that “real men” don’t cry. I also recall thinking what lunch might bring and thoughts about what had happened at work yesterday, last week, last month, and some impending and dreaded project(s) yet to be done, and, of course, those thoughts concerning the sporting events that were to be televised that day and the upcoming week and the possibility of playoff opportunity for my favorite teams, not to mention my bowling prowess and what I should do for improvement in that arena. Mental distractions were frequent and my retention of the "good news" was insufficient, actually negligible would be more accurate. Educators inform us that we forget about 95% of what we hear in just 72 hours…I think that with few exceptions, it was more like 72 minutes for me (sounds so much like the Matthew 13:19 declaration of satanic theft. Author comment: I refuse to capitalize satans name, not because I’m in denial of his existence but rather because I’m in refusal of his attempts to bully, lie or to deceive…greater is He who is in me.). In any event, this hollow lifestyle was totally unfulfilling, it held little significance----I really felt like I was "running in place" and going nowhere…has an Ecclesiastes 1:2 "ring" of vanity to it, huh? It seems clear to me now that my major problem at that point in my life was spiritual ignorance. Since no spiritual relationship (abiding, intimacy and presence) had been sought, cultivated, and eventually appropriated to "overshadow" me, there was no source available to me on a constant basis to draw me to the "wellspring” of spiritual knowledge and the accompanying subsequent growth. And because an insignificant investment was being made by me, an equivalent return was being realized, truly a “picture-perfect” demonstration of reaping what is sown. Please allow me to encourage you to the point of insistence, that you refuse to walk through life unfulfilled and powerless due to a failure on your part to access the fullness of the presence of the Holy Spirit. And, please, please, please, don't allow 5, 10, 20 or more years to pass, only to realize that you have a disappointingly empty, yes, very unproductive history of dissatisfaction with your then current station in life. Consider this, if you knew today that 5, 10, 15, or for that matter even just one more year from now, there would be no appreciable increase in satisfaction with the life you are living today, would you entertain an all-out determination to do whatever is needed to assure a different outcome? How many times have you heard it said, "if I had known then what I know now, I would surely have done things differently"? And you may also recall that the definition for insanity has been stated as, continuing to do what you've always done and expecting a different result. Consider this… just walk around at leisure or at work or even at church for the next few days/weeks and observe the behavior of folks nearby…notice how many of them are disconnected, bored, cynical, hurting, angry, lonely, obviously unfulfilled, or worst of all, hopeless (a state of mind that fully expects that the current set of intolerable circumstances will never change….and should you be currently at this level, you know full well that hopelessness is not solely specific to persons living in so-called “third-world” countries.)…or try this, go to lunch with a group, including a church group, and observe the topics of conversation…oh they may have talented children, new cars, big houses, good jobs, nice clothes, and such, but this question continues to cross my mind, "I know, but are you fulfilled?” Should you feel that I am being somehow unfairly judgmental in my assessment of this condition, please rest assured that I am only relating a set of circumstances with which I am intimately familiar, in short, been there, and unfortunately, done that! How about you, do you, as you may have heard it said, know all the verses to that “song “? The bottom line to all this seems to be, now that I have recognized it and further have freely admitted it, what action am I now ready to pursue to assure a more fulfilling path? Does this perhaps sound like something you should consider as well? Just asking, regarding your present life, how’s that working for you? You will surely know when you yet again experience another of those sleepless nights that includes tossing and turning with those nasty pains of unfulfilled emptiness. Don’t you just absolutely detest those awful events? Seriously, have you ever thought to yourself something like, “surely there just must be more to life than this?” The big question seems to be, what are you and I willing to do to eliminate such aggravation and awful disappointment. I honestly feel that completion is the most appropriate identifier for this fourth chapter as I was beginning to “tire” of those many undesirable aspects in my daily struggle and just wanted to bring them to a point of termination. Have you arrived there, yet? selah…. (while the exact meaning of selah is uncertain, some biblical scholars/students feel that it may mean to pause; ponder; consider; or reflect…thank you for extending grace to me for using it with that understanding…author.