Approaching the Throne of Grace

Jeff was a black and white person.  Jeff liked order, rules, and structure.  Jeff prided himself on being able to determine right and wrong in most any situation.  Jeff lived by the letter of the law, and he upheld it in his personal, professional, and social life.

Because he saw life in black and white, Jeff thought others should too.  He was not shy about making comments, both verbally and on social media, as to what he thought the solution was for any given problem.  He had a basic philosophy.  “Everything would be fine if the law were upheld,” he'd say often.

Jeff strongly believed in the power of implementing rules and following through on punishment.  He never let a license expire or paid a bill late.  He followed the rules and respected the laws.  He rarely drove through a yellow light, much less a red light. He brushed his teeth after each meal and before going to bed.  He counted his calories and followed the government recommended food pyramid for each meal.  He saved exactly thirty five percent of each paycheck, and gave exactly ten percent to First Christian Church, where he and his family had been attending for over twenty years.

Jeff loved order and rules.  Anything less, in any area of life, in his opinion, was disorder.  Because Jeff was able to keep his ducks lined up perfectly, he could not understand why no one else could.  What was so hard about following the rules? Jeff wondered often.

Jeff could easily become frustrated with those who didn’t keep civil laws, like speeding and not paying taxes, but even more frustrating for him were those who broke God’s laws.  Those laws commanded by God in the Bible.  

Jeff was the first one to grab his Bible and hold it up high when a discussion started on abortion, homosexuality, divorce, welfare or countless other issues that were, in Jeff's opinion, sending his country to hell in a hand basket.  He could quickly quote chapter and verse to support his belief on nearly any given topic.  He prided himself on his knowledge of scripture.  There were many online and in his circle who felt more confident when Jeff was around, able to support his black and white life with Scripture.

That all began to change the night his teenage son, Mike, came to his father with a black eye and a cut lip.  Jeff could see Mike was holding his side with nearly every breath he took.  Anger began to rise in Jeff as he quizzed his son to tell him who did this to him.  “Who did this to you?  Why did they do this to you?  Did it have to do with money?  A girl?”

Mike began to cry, shaking his head no. “I didn’t get beat up because of a girl or money. I’m gay, dad.  They beat me up because I'm gay.”

Jeff stepped back, looking at his son in horror.  The words coming from his son’s mouth couldn’t be true.  They couldn’t be real.  He surely must have heard his son wrong.

“What did you say, son?” Jeff asked quietly, enunciating each word slowly.

His son lifted up his head.  Looking directly into Jeff’s eyes he said, “I’m gay.”

Jeff backed further away from his son, struggling to keep his balance.  The hands that only a few moments ago wanted to comfort him, were ready to hug him, and were standing ready to beat the ones who had done this to his boy, now lay limp at his sides.  

Jeff couldn’t believe what he was hearing.  He wouldn’t believe what he was hearing. He shook his head then turned to walk away.  With his back to his son he said firmly, “No son of mine will ever be gay.”  He left his son standing there, alone, surrounded in the gray of what was Mike’s life.

Jeff went out in the garage and picked up a hammer on his tool bench.  He brought it down hard then dropped it, pounding both fists on the wooden table.  How could this happen? Jeff asked himself.  How?  I raised that boy right.  He was raised in the word of God.  How?  Why?  What did I do to deserve this, God?

Memories of Mike and his two brothers fishing and hunting and chopping wood alongside Jeff began to pour into his brain.  How could he be gay?  I raised a man doing manly things, how could this have happened?

Jeff stayed in the garage until his daughter came out to tell him supper was ready.  Jeff sighed as he turned off the lights and went into the house.  His wife and three of their four children were already at the table, passing the food around.  Jeff noticed that Mike’s place remained empty.  

Jeff’s wife said to him, "Jeff, should we pray?"

Jeff looked down at his plate.  Seeing his wife had already filled his plate with food, he picked up his fork and said, “Why bother?”